“Kayla” could hardly be described as a “bad” kid. Yes, she has shown poor judgment on a number of recent occasions. Yes, she skipped school and brought five of her friends home to drink beer in the middle of the day. Yes, her grades are below her ability and her motivation to do better in the classroom is modest. And yes, she did manage to have a run in with the police on the beach in San Diego over spring break because of an open container.
OK, so Kayla isn’t going to win an election for class president or homecoming queen any time soon. And she’s not going to graduate from her California High School at the top of her class either and matriculate at Stanford. Indeed, she may not be graduated from high school at all if her grades don’t improve: She thinks her curriculum is boring and stupid. She can hardly be expected to do well in her algebra II class; she doesn’t enjoy math and doesn’t have a firm foundation in algebra I.
But she’s not a bad kid. She’s not a psychiatric kid. She’s not an acting out kid. She doesn’t cut herself, she doesn’t have an eating disorder, she doesn’t run away. She is respectful of her parents, she doesn’t curse at them or threaten them. She helps out around the house. She drives close to an hour each weekend to visit her grandparents and take them food shopping.
In addition to being a gifted artist, Kayla is pleasant. She’s helpful around the house, is responsible for the care and feeding of the family’s cats. Her teachers like her well enough–although, of course, they too are disappointed that she’s not working to her potential. And to be fair, her parents are at their wit’s end. Kayla’s two older brothers, both now in college, were much more serious about their studies.
Kayla’s parents are considering some serious actions. They love Kayla and want what’s best for her. Kayla’s parents are both first generation Americans and are the first members of their families to go to college. Kayla’s parents are thinking about pulling Kayla out of school. They are thinking about “military school.” They are talking about “boot camp.” They’ve asked me about wilderness therapy.
Before intervening at this level, I thought we should look at local options. It’s not like Kayla is a danger to herself or others. Of course, I’m vehemently opposed to alcohol for teenagers, but at least Kayla had never been behind the wheel of a car when she has been drinking. And she’s smart enough not to drive with anyone who has been drinking. Again, I don’t even know that she has ever been drunk.
Indeed, Kayla would be happy to hang out with some sober kids.
If she could find any at her high school.
Or anywhere in her community for that matter. Because we’ve talked about options. Endlessly. The options for Kayla are not “Stop drinking beer and go get a PhD in Philosophy from Princeton” or “Stop drinking beer so you can finish your training to be an astronaut.” The alternatives for Kayla seem to be “Stop drinking beer and you’ll end up with no friends.” “Stop drinking beer and you’ll be sitting home alone.”
What about the joining the Yearbook staff? What about getting involved with student government? What about options outside the high school? What about a great class at the San Diego Art Museum? What about athletics? There must be some sober kids somewhere. Southern California is a big place.
Kayla was respectful and thoughtful about each of these suggestions. Then she patiently explained how the kids involved in each and every one of these activities were also drinking beer. And worse.
The research of adolescent drinking is clear: kids who start drinking in high school are four times more likely to have serious alcohol issues as adults; teenage drinkers may lose up to ten percent of their brain power; adolescent drinkers are more likely to suffer from depression.
So my question for this week is as follows: Where are the sober kids in your community? Kayla–not her real name and she doesn’t live in San Diego either–is mobile. Tell her where she can find some good friends who can get through a weekend sober and her family will move to that town.
I eagerly await your responses.
