Two people napping in adjacent seats on an airplane are not “sleeping together.” Nor does having given birth to a child define you as an adequate parent. “Staying awake together” and having kids is complicated. Babies know precisely what they want and articulate that information in a straight-forward, shrieking manner. Parents know how they want their kids to turn out, but are frequently murky on the path going forward. And don’t even ask me about romance, another esoteric subject about which I know nothing.
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It has been suggested that “all you need is love.” Meh. If only, raising contented, self-actualized children were that simple. Indeed, loving our kids may be just a necessary but not a sufficient condition for their healthy development. I sometimes think that simply liking our kids is preferable. Admittedly love is easier. But like is lighter and easier to carry. There is a tremendous amount to be said for liking our children.
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Love costs nothing. But love doesn’t buy much either. Love can disappoint. Because kids frequently act in ways that their parents wouldn’t. Kids frequently believe things that their parents don’t. Kids frequently are that which their parents aren’t. Love can’t help with any of those actions, beliefs, or destinations.
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“The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference” to quote Eli Wiesel out of context. But liking our kids cuts everybody some slack. To get back to the shrieking baby, we are better able to attend to needs rather than wants if we like rather than love. And as all good parents know, attend to every one of your child’s needs; be stingy with their wants.
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Still think love is the only game in town when it comes to your relationship with your children? Consider Josie in accounting. I like Josie. She works down the hall. I don’t know her well, but she seems nice enough. She impresses me as a competent employee and always has a pleasant word. Because I like Josie but do not love her, all of the following paragraphs are nonsensical:
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- “I am a bricklayer. My father was a bricklayer. I wanted my son to be a bricklayer, but instead he enrolled in medical school and is now a doctor. I am deeply disappointed. We have been bricklayers in this family for generations. Why would anyone want to be a doctor?” (Go ahead and swap “bricklayer” for “doctor” and “doctor” for “bricklayer” if you like. The point remains.)
- My daughter married outside my religion. She is dead to me. We will never speak again. This heartbreak will continue through generations in that I will never meet my grandchildren.
- My daughter baked a red velvet cake and brought it to Thanksgiving dinner. She knows I was bringing a red velvet cake as I always do. I am outraged and ashamed. How could she do that to me?
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If Josie from accounting decided to go back to school to study medicine–or bricklaying for that matter–you wouldn’t give her choice a second thought. You would wish her well on her new career. If Josie from accounting married someone from a different religion, you wouldn’t care. You would wish them well. And if Josie from accounting brought a red velvet cake to Thanksgiving, rather than being offended, you would think, “great! Now I have two red velvet cakes!” Note that if you do fall in love with Josie, her choice of profession, mate, and baking preferences suddenly become critically important.
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If you like someone, you want what’s best for him or her. You are not enmeshed, overly involved, emotionally connected, burdened. If you love your kids too much, what they do, what they think, how they act can take on magnified significance.
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Doubtless some reader somewhere is going to infer from the column this week that “David said not to love your kids.” I will attempt to sputter a response to this calumny as soon as I see if there is any left over red velvet cake in the kitchen.
5 thoughts on “What’s Love Got to Do with it?”
I think I understand your point, but I would have to be the one that made the ending statement, because you left me hanging…..needed more ‘why’ to it!!
David I love this column, if more people in general, not just parents could like others and be more accepting wouldn’t this world be a better place! In general people are too judgmental and it goes back to their own insecurities as you so delicately point out. Parents are often fearful of what they might lose, or what others might think. When in reality what they don’t realize is others actual see them as the ones being too harsh. Thank you again for your wonderful play on words.
I love this! Many a symbiotic parent has mentioned to me that I don’t “love” my kids enough. I didn’t weep in the parking lot when they went to camp in the the 3rd grade. I didn’t cry when I PURPOSEFULLY sent them alone on an airplane trip where they had to change planes by themselves at 12 years old. I didn’t cry when they made their choices as adults that I may not have loved. I have this statement when they tell me things like “This weekend I am going to parachute out of an airplane!”. I say “Oh” In a nice even tone. What that means is – I’m not for it, I’m not against it. I’m not paying for it. PS – They feel loved.
Hi David,
I enjoyed meeting you at BT’s party. I have no kids but your thoughts apply to all aspects of life.
Kudos to you David for your consistently witty and insightful articles. You address many challenging subjects with both wisdom and “tongue in cheek”, which I love.
It was nice that James and I had the opportunity to visit with you in-person this year. Our invitation for to visit us in Oregon and see the Delphian School stands, whenever you can make it.
Take care.
Greg Ott