The Muck Stops Here

Remember reading about those brutally mistreated Chinese girls of not so many generations ago whose feet were bound with strong straps? For reasons that may not even have been clear at the time, fathers felt that petite feet were attractive or indicative of a social class where the girls didn’t have to walk much. Maybe the fathers were happy that there injured daughters couldn’t run away and go to medical school. The crippled girls, in needless, constant pain, were less happy.

Apparently, woman with three-inch feet were considered attractive. If you read the Wikipedia Article, you’ll know as much about bound feet as I do.

Before affecting horror and outrage at another culture and another century, reflect on a frequent series of inquiries that my college counseling colleagues and I encounter from families who want their daughters to attend “top” colleges. After 34 years of counseling, college admissions is a subject that I do profess to know something about.

Dad: We don’t want to game the system. (Translation: We want to game the system.)

Dad: We don’t want you to confer an unfair advantage. (Translation: Could you make a few calls?)

Dad: We just want to know how much of her time should be allocated to playing soccer, running for student counsel, editing the student newspaper, building robots, playing the bouzouki, hang gliding, Cotillion lessons, and volunteering at the Whoop Kitchen.

Ethical College Counselors Everywhere: Surely, you mean the “soup” kitchen?

Dad: No, all the positions at the soup kitchen were taken so our daughter cheers and hollers for the girls who do the actual serving. “Way to go! Serve that soup!” That sort of thing. She gets the same number of community service hours though so it doesn’t matter.

ECCE: Doesn’t matter to whom?

Dad: Sometimes she tries to fall asleep when she studies after all these activities but my wife and I poke her with a stick to keep her awake and focused.

ECCE: You poke your daughter with a stick so she can stay awake and study after being involved in all those time consuming activities after school?

Dad: Yes, we tried hooking her up to an IV glucose solution when her energy ran low, but her arm got infected from the needle sticks.

ECCE: Her arm got infected?

Dad: She plays soccer. Weren’t you listening? Her arms don’t matter; the girls kick the soccer ball with their feet.

We want to give her the best chance of being admitted to a top college where she will likely meet a man who can provide for her in the fashion to which we insist that she continue to be accustomed.

ECCE: Which of those activities is she passionate about?

Dad: none of them, really. She likes art. Why do you ask?

After listening to this dad, is the analogy with the tortuously bound feet seeming a little less outrageous?

And what guesses would you make about this young woman’s relationship with her father down the road–whether or not she achieves his dream of being admitted to a top college and marrying a wealthy man?

But shouldn’t children work hard, strive for the best, listen to their parents, and do what they’re told?

I don’t know. I do know that if I had to choose, I’d rather have a content child than a successful one. Fortunately, I don’t have to choose. Kids who are allowed to follow their own path and “be who they are” are more likely to succeed by every meaningful definition of the word.

I met a high achieving young woman just the other day as it happens. Four AP classes as a tenth grader, star or her traveling soccer team, high test scores. I met her in a rehab facility I was touring in Northern Utah. The young woman had become addicted to meth amphetamine.

I know. I know. Using one example and even hinting that there is a causal connection between the high pressure and the drug use is a cheap shot. Yes, there are pressured kids who succeed just as there are low achieving kids who also turn to drugs. Using just the one child to make a point is a lousy technique of crumby political campaigns not a strategy I should use in my thoughtful blog posts.

But that young woman and her accomplishments in the classroom and her struggles on the street really hit home for me.

Before you tell me that there are evils and stressors in the world to which our children must be exposed and that our kids need to be able to deal successfully with stress, let me remind you that there are carcinogens in the world but the existence of these toxins is a poor argument for sending your children to the site of a nuclear disaster.

Speaking of disasters, I would be grateful for your insights into how to counsel dads like the one (only slightly exaggerated) above. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to focusing on how to best love my kids for who they are–not for what grades they get, what activities they’re involved in, where they go to college, or whether or not they have small feet.