Sex Ed, Advice, Schnauzers

In a sex ed class some 40 years ago, a student whom I did not know well asked a question about reproductive biology. His inquiry, something specific about condoms as I recall, impressed me as highly theoretical at the time. It is certainly possible that he was honestly requesting information about how to avoid pregnancy. It was not until many years later that his actual agenda occurred to me: he was bragging.

Which is fine. I certainly do not begrudge my high school contemporary his opportunity to proclaim to his classmates that he was sexually active. But what are we to make of our fellow parents of high school age children who ask questions about the academic progress of my children? “How many AP classes is your daughter taking?” begins a seemingly well intentioned mom whom I hardly know in the high school parking lot. Before I can begin to formulate an answer of the form “and that would be your business because…” the invariable onslaught continues. “You know, my daughter is taking six AP classes this year. We talked about whether or not she should take a seventh advance placement course but we didn’t want to pressure her.” Again, before I can sputter, “how could you possibly imagine that I would be interested in your daughter’s curriculum?” she goes on to say that college admissions officers want to see the most sophisticated academic coursework that the high school has to offer and that her child will be applying to Princeton and Stanford with Duke as a safety and that last year three students from the school were accepted at Cornell but that this year the class is stronger although the coach of the soccer team doesn’t let her daughter to score as many goals as she should…

And on and on.

Having listened to parents describe their children the way a proud farmer might brag about the amount of milk produced by a prized cow, I have frequently refrained from asking mom if she would like a bumper sticker. Something of the form, “I love my schnauzer” might be nice.

Because as far as her advice goes about how many AP classes my child should take, I feel pretty strongly about “No thank you.” Indeed, I might go so far as to say, “How dare you?” Because you’re not actually giving me advice about my child. You’re just bragging about yours.

The fact is, this other parent doesn’t know me. She certainly doesn’t know my child. She’s never been to my house for dinner. (There’s a reason for that.) She doesn’t know the first thing about me. Yet she tells me how many advanced placement classes my daughter should take. What if my child would developmentally disabled? What if my child had an IQ of 60? What if my child were unable to take college-level classes? Yet somehow this mother has the unmitigated temerity to give me advice that pertains, arguably, to her child.

Another irony, of course, is that she doesn’t have the first idea how college admissions actually works, nor does she know anything about good parenting. She relies on a few rumors and some anecdotal evidence about some other kid who was admitted to a highly competitive university a generation ago and as a result she presumes to give me advice about how my child could be admitted to a college that would be completely wrong for her.

Her logic is as offensive as it is inaccurate.

Her first point-that my child must take the most sophisticated academic coursework her high school has to offer in order to be admitted to a highly competitive school-is mostly accurate. While it is true that students in the entering class at Stanford had many advanced classes, it is also true that 69% of students with a dozen AP classes AND 2400 on the SAT were denied admission. So her hypothesis that taking advanced classes will result in admission at a highly competitive school is absurd. Advanced classes are a necessary but not sufficient condition.

Her next point that my child should take certain coursework and rush down the road to nowhere is offensive.

Her twisted, soul denying, ridiculous ideas about how to bring up her child are up to her.

Leave me out of it.

I like my kids just the way they are, thank you just the same. No matter how many AP classes they take, no matter where they end up going to college.