Same Life, Different Day

“Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.”*

Norma is lovely. My wife and Norma have been friends since college. Norma went on to law school some thirty years ago and was subsequently appointed to the federal bench by Bill Clinton. My wife and I ran into Norma at the supermarket this week. Norma is so busy trying heavy duty drug cases that we don’t see her as much as we’d like. In fact it had been several years since we had had a chance to catch up.

“What happened with that handsome guy you were dating?” my wife asked. Apparently not too many polite preliminaries are necessary between old college buddies.

“He turned out to be such a narcissist.” Norma sighed. “We broke up over two years ago.”

“He was a partner at that international business firm” my wife said.

“But what an ego. And selfish? You can’t imagine.”

“So are you seeing anybody?”

“Yeah. I started going out with this guy from work. He’s a prosecutor in another division.” My wife’s eyes lit up, happy for her old friend. “But it’s not going to last. He’s so stuck on himself. And he’s stressed over work, has no time for me.”

“Has he met your boys?”

“Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have introduced them. But you know how it is. If you wait until you’re sure the relationship is going forward before you let the guy meet the kids, you never have any time with the guy because you’re always with the kids. But if you introduce the guy before you’re sure the relationship is going forward, the kids think you’re dating an endless series of guys.” My wife nodded knowingly. Norma went on. “But he had no interest in my sons and not much interest in me either.”

“Hey, speaking of the boys, how’s your ex?”

Norma sighed. “Still the same old narcissistic asshole as ever. He sees the kids maybe four days a month. If that. They’re 11 and 14 now. They need their dad.”

“Let me guess,” my wife said. “He’s still only focused on his career. Same as it ever was.”

“You got it. He never had time for me, always bringing work home, working all weekend, worrying about the next trial. He does make good money though, maybe five times what I do as a judge.” Norma paused then added wistfully, “Not that he isn’t four months behind on his child support.”

“Do you ever wonder if maybe you should have stayed in private practice? You were as smart as your ex. You could be making that money.”

“But who would take care of the boys? As a judge I can be home for dinner. As a trial attorney at that firm I’d be putting in the 70 hour work weeks too.” Norma thought for a minute. “My children need one parent,” she said. “Even if I can never seem to meet the right guy, I know that much.”

My wife and Norma chatted a little more then hugged and cried and promised to keep in better touch. But as soon as we had loaded the groceries into the car, my wife lit in to Norma with both feet. “She so doesn’t get it,” she began. “It’s been the same since she was 19-years-old!”

“What has?” I asked.

“Can’t you see it? It’s as plain as day. All those guys she’s been dating, her ex-husband…”

“What about them? They seem like highly successful, accomplished guys.”

“That’s just it,” my wife said exasperated. “They’re always exactly the same guy!”

I pulled over to the side of the road. That’s how struck I was by my wife’s insight. She went on.

“She always dates somebody she meets at work. He’s always on a career track. Obviously, he’s some high powered attorney. He never has time for her; he never has any interest in her boys. Her ex-husband was the same. This recent guy was the same. Heck, I remember the guys she dated in college.”

My wife, never one to miss an opportunity for dramatic effect, paused. “He was the same guy too.”

So now the bigger question becomes, who is going to bell the cat? Should my wife tell Norma that she always dates the same guy? Should she go on to say that the proverbial definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result? Should my wife tell Norma up front that SHE OUGHT TO CONSIDER DATING GUYS WHO AREN’T HIGH POWERED ATTORNEYS BECA– USE IT JUST ISN’T WORKING OUT FOR HER?

Maybe Norma should get involved with a guy who teaches school. Or a social worker might be nice. Or a nurse. Or even an attorney who works normal hours.

But not these same high powered, crazed guys. It’s just not working out for her.

***

And what about me? And what about you? Is there something in your life that is making you stuck and unhappy? Is this aspect of your life obvious to everyone around you, as plain as the nose on your face, like Norma’s choice of the same, wrong man? If so, would you be interested in knowing what it is that everyone else sees that you don’t?

Lisa drinks six cups of coffee every day but can’t figure out why she has trouble sleeping at night.

Henry spends his paycheck in the bar every Friday night but complains about not having enough money for rent.

Mary complains about her weight, but never goes to the gym or cuts down on calories.

Tim opines that he never meets any girls, yet he never leaves his house.

Norma dates the same guy one decade after another.

It’s so obvious what other people need to do to be happier, more content.

Assuming your friends know just as clearly what you could do to be more fulfilled, would you want them to tell you? Would you be open to their heartfelt, accurate advice?

Or are you happy dating the devil you know?

* Jonathan Swift, 1667-1745