Remember the best teacher you had in high school, the one from whom you learned so much? Ever reflect on why she never had any discipline problems? Was it because your classmates were more respectful in those halcyon years? That teacher seemed so relaxed, in control, no behavior management issues. Were the students more attentive because she was more interesting, because she knew more material, because she was more strict? Or was it her relaxed attitude that allowed everyone to learn? Was she, in actuality, LESS strict?
Was she relaxed because her students were attentive or were the students attentive because she was relaxed?
Imagine a parent who is constantly going on line to the school website to check her son’s grades. “Why do you have a missing homework in math?” she intones. “I turned those assignments in,” her son replies. “The teacher just hasn’t entered the grades yet.”
As you might envisage, this conversation rapidly descends down a rabbit hole from which there is no return as accusations and prevarications escalate in an explosive spiral. “That’s what you said last time!” mom shouts. “Why don’t you trust me?” her son replies.
Consider to the contrary a parent who never discusses his son’s grades, never goes on line to check. Is the mother checking up on the first student BECA– USE he’s doing poorly? Or is the student not doing well in school BECA– USE his mother is constantly crossing a boundary and impinging on his autonomy?
If I thought that by constant checking your son’s grades and obsessing over every assignment that you could turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse-ignoring that you would still have an unhappy pig-I would be willing to consider the option and suggest that you enroll in the Sherlock Holmes School of Parenting. But I have never, in 40 years of teaching met a child whose grades improved as a result of hyper-vigilance on the part of the parents. And consider the hidden agenda; what is being communicated “between the lines”:
1) I don’t trust you to care about your grades on your own.
2) I care more about your grades than I do about our relationship.
3) You are fundamentally not okay as a person unless your grades are good.
4) I have way too much time on my hands.
The father who doesn’t check his son’s grades communicates that he likes his kid for who he is, not for what he does. Should it turn out that his son would be more content working as a carpenter’s assistant rather than getting a Ph.D. in philosophy, dad is okay with that. Dad has his own life to live; he cannot be bothered going to high school a second time.
Even more importantly, by not going on line to check grades, dad saves his high trump cards for if and when he needs them. He is able to help his son distinguish that which is critical-don’t take drugs-from that which is much less important-get good grades.
Lastly, the dad who trusts his kid to find his own path allows his child to individuate. “I would give you a kidney if you needed it” dad communicates, “but I acknowledge that we are distinct being and that I cannot live your life for you.”
As parents, I’m not sure it gets any better than that.
3 thoughts on “Parenting without Grades”
While I agree completely with the concept presented of let your children manage their life and as a parent help to guide them. I have found the school doesn’t allow this. If the student isn’t doing well or isn’t meeting their expectation they involve the parents and are critical if the parent isn’t monitoring the grades. I have both an excellent student and an average student. My average student is a carpenter’s assistant now since graduating just last week. His 12 years in the education system were not a positive experience for him and I am anxious for him to excel in his field away from the boundaries and expectations of a flawed educational system.
It’s always hard to separate cause from effect. A thoughtful person tries. An insightful person shares those ideas. Well done, David.
So better to be a “pal” than than a parent who makes sure their child is doing well in school. I’m sure their future will be even brighter with failing grades, but hey! my dad’s my best friend! Even better if you have a kid who doesn’t want to study so you just let them fail because it’s obviously what they want and keeping them focused will only infringe on your relationship. “Do you want fries with that?” is more likely what their future holds and even that may require a GED.
Years ago teachers didn’t have problems with students because there were consequences both at school and at home. Now that has been removed so everyone’s a winner. And the great news there is that we have a generation of entitled children who feel they are owed for just being there. These very same kids are unable to make change, do not understand why they need to show up for work on time, or even why they should have to go to work to begin with. And their wretched parents won’t hurry and die so their heirs can reap an early benefit.
“I would give you a kidney if you needed it” dad communicates, “but unfortunately the person who can perform the surgery decided she’d rather stay home and play video games with her kids. I’m sure you understand.”