Match Game

I don’t want to give too many details. I’m not saying this is a good idea what I did, only that it can happen. I know it can happen and how it happened because I did it. I’m not saying that I would want anyone to follow this exact path or that it was a good idea and I guess maybe I cut some corners. I suppose you could say that what I did was wrong.

It started when I was a high school athlete. Again without being too specific, let’s just say my dad knew the coach. I’m not saying influence was involved; I’m not saying it wasn’t. Anyway, I got to be on the football team instead of some other guys who maybe had a little more ability or worked a little harder.

I guess college was a similar circumstance. I made the team at a Division One school. Sure there were other guys who were faster, stronger, more experienced, and better players all around. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do, right?

The end justifies the means or something like that. So I sent the coach some videotapes that have me running 40 yards in 4.2 seconds. And I got a doctor to sign off on my being able to bench press 225 pounds 47 times. Maybe the doctor owed my dad a favor. Maybe the tape wasn’t exactly accurate. Four point two seconds may have been something of an exaggeration. It is no exaggeration to say that I took every human growth hormone, steroid, injection and illegal performance enhancing drug I could find. I hired a doctor to give me some other drugs so that the illegal drugs I took couldn’t be detected.

Again, I don’t want to give away too many of the details. Let’s just say that I was drafted to play in the NFL and made the team. Through some fairly sophisticated subterfuge, I got through training camp. I used a stunt double and I talked my way through some stuff with the coaches who relied on my fake videos and some other tricky stuff.

So now the first game is in a few minutes and I’m thinking about how I’ve never actually played any football. I’ll be lining up opposite Randy Stark. He’s the 6’3″, 305 pound starting defensive tackle for the Miami Dolphins. He actually can do 37 bench press repeats at 225 pounds. Actually, he’s kind of a beast. The truth of the matter is that I am 5’ 10” and weigh 175 pounds.

How do you think I’m going to do against Randy Stark in the game?

***

Laura’s parents really, truly, and desperately want her to attend the California Institute of technology. That’s where they both went, where they meant. Laura’s parents are willing to do anything for her to go there. Her parents believe strongly that Laura’s best chance of meeting a man who will be successful is by attending Caltech. Laura’s grades are above average, although she is struggling in her senior year of math, pre-calculus. She has friends-some of whom are also applying to Cal Tech-who are two years ahead of her in math and are sailing through advanced placement calculus BC. A few of her friends, also still in high school, are taking differential equations at the University. Laura has a 580 on the SAT. The main SAT score for matriculating students at Cal Tech is some 200 points higher. Laura reluctantly studies an hour and a half each day. Most students at Cal Tech study over three and half hours each day. Laura is reluctant to meet with the tutors whom her parents have hired.

Still, let’s say that Laura is admitted. Her parents contribute ten million dollars or fake her transcript or there’s a computer glitch or some crazy thing and she gets the “Congratulations” email rather than the “We had too many qualified applicants” one. (I have to ask for a little willing suspension of disbelief here, just like in the implausible football story above.)

Were Laura-with her modest math ability, study skills, attitude, and aptitude-to be admitted to Cal Tech, how well do you think she might be expected to do in a classroom filled with smarter, harder working students? I would suggest that the metaphor of the 175-pound man described above who somehow scammed his way into a professional football uniform is an accurate representation in every particular of how Laura is going to do if she goes to Pasadena.

Metaphorically, Laura is going to have every bone in her body shattered.

The point of going to college isn’t just to get in; the point of going to college is stay in. And learn something while you’re there. And to study hard and thrive not just survive. And to go to the art museum on campus and sit down with a professor so you can share a meal, a book, and an idea.

“College admissions is about a match to be made not a game to be won” remains true throughout my 30-something years in the field.

The take-away for parents is simple and straightforward: Know who your kids are. And love them anyway. If your kid belongs at Cal Tech, encourage her to apply and celebrate her choice if she is admitted. If your kids don’t belong at Cal Tech–and with room for just under a thousand undergraduates, most kids don’t–be happy for them where ever they end up.

Helping your kids to scam their resumes, inflate their accomplishments, and be admitted to schools where they don’t belong is as ill-advised as helping a 5” 10”, 175-pound man line up in an NFL game against Randy Starks: a true recipe for sadness.

On the field and in the classroom, there is nothing worse than a bad match.