Life Test

Life is an exam. Failure is not an option. There is only one score card.

Before elucidating the scoring system, here is a paragraph about myself:

I live on the top floor of the Plaza Hotel in New York City. My 2.3 children go to Cornell and Princeton respectively. My wife is an attorney who gave up her law practice in order to spend quality time with our children. Before matriculating at law school where she was top of her class and on the law review, my wife was a movie star. I can not begin to tell you how wealthy, popular and famous she is. She is 5′ 10″ tall and weighs 115 pounds. We listen to classical music and all our artwork is of the “signed and numbered” variety.

I take a helicopter to work every morning.

Every deviation from the above is a failing, a deduction, a point off. Living in New York City is 100 points. Philadelphia, Chicago and Los Angeles are 90; Atlanta, Houston, and Boston are 80; Salt Lake City, Miami and Seattle are 70. Small towns? Small towns are 60. Small towns in the South? 50.

Ivy League Schools are 100. (Did I mention that my kids go to Cornell and Princeton?) Colleges that reject more applicants than they admit are 90. State schools are 80. Colleges that I’ve never heard of are 70. Colleges with low tuitions are 60.

Wives who are 5′ 9″ or 5′ 11″ are ten points off. For each inch deviation from 5′ 10″, deduct ten points. For every pound above or below 115 pounds, deduct ten points.

Last year I earned millions of dollars. Millions. For every million dollars less than that figure that you earned, subtract 10 points. If you are a teacher, social worker or work for the public defender’s office, subtract 20 points. If you enjoy what you do for a living, subtract 30 additional points. If you work with your hands as an artist, artisan or trades-person, subtract 40 points.

Needless to say, I drive a 2012 BMW. A 2012 BMW is 100 points. Bentleys, Jaguars, and Mercedes are 90; a Lexus is 80; Japanese cars are 70; cars made in the United States are 60. Cars from other model years lose ten points for each year. For a 2008 car, for example, subtract an additional 40 points. Bicyclists and those who use public transportation? Zero points. And only because I’m feeling generous.

Classical music? One hundred points for live, 90 points for recorded. Other kinds of music? 60. Art by people who aren’t yet dead? 50.

Religion? Religion is easy. My religion: 100 points. Any other religion? Especially your religion? Zero points.

***

Now to be clear, the “speaker” above is clearly–to put it charitably–an idiot. And I’m the one who is being generous. There are many ways to live a happy, content, self-actualized and fulfilled life that do not involve the luck that he’s had or the choices he’s made. It’s easy to poke holes in his supercilious, stuck-up life style. Of course, there are musicians, artists, cars, addresses and cities other than the ones he has. And his wife–at 5′ 10″ and 115 pounds–sounds positively unhealthy to me, bless her heart.

But as obvious as it is that there are other ways to live life and be happy, in college admissions we rank schools as if every child were the same and every college could be measured by how far it deviates from Harvard.

Indeed, in those spurious, specious, silly ranking by that destructive, dissapating, desultory magazine, the top school in a category is given a score of 100. Like a math test, for goodness sake! And all the other schools in the category have a score less than 100. As Dave Barry says: You can’t make this stuff up!

My admissions counseling students frequently tell me that they want a college “in the Northeast.” Have they ever been to the Northeast? No.

My admissions counseling students frequently tell me that they want a college “with a good academic reputation.” What exactly is a good academic reputation? Of course, they have no idea how to define this term.

My admissions counseling students frequently tell me that they want a college that “people have heard of.” I suggest that “people have heard of” the colleges that win sports championships but that the relationship between excellence on the athletic field and excellence in the classroom is less clear.

Just the same, it’s hard to move these young people away from the idea that Harvard is the gold standard of undergraduate education, the exemplar against which all other institutions are judged. Nothing wrong with Harvard, mind you. But if a college is not in Cambridge, does not offer a Ph.D. in philosophy, does admit more than seven percent of its applicants, has fewer than 996 students in first year economics, do we truly wish to deduct points?

Every hundred miles away from Boston? Ten points off. Every student above or below Harvard’s total of 6678 undergrads? One point off. Division One Sports instead of Division Three Sports like at Harvard? Ten points off. Undergraduate business degrees? Ten points off. Professors who are committed to reaching the hearts and minds of undergraduates rather than doing research and publishing papers? Ten points off.

Stated simply and without irony: College, like life, is a match to be made, not a game to be won.