It’s the Relationship, Stupid!

An attractive 30-something bank employee approached me as I stood in line at the teller window yesterday. “Interest rates have never been lower,” she began without preamble. As our previous interactions had never exceeded conversations of the “Nice day” variety, I was intrigued by her wide-eyed enthusiasm. “There has never been a better time to make the equity in your home work for you!” she continued with an urgency usually reserved for informing sleeping occupants of their burning home.

With only the vaguest hope of being able to retire before my 90th birthday, I need more debt like I need more worn out running shoes. Still, it would have been rude to interrupt.

“Let’s do it now!” she concluded fervently. Not certain if she wanted to sell me a home equity line or have sex with me on the brightly lit tile floor of the savings and loan, I gently suggested that I was not interested. I did not point out that “NINJA” (no income, no job) loans were part of an execrable system of impropriety and excess that nearly brought our country to its financial knees. Loaning egregious sums of money to people who had no hope of repaying was a bad plan five years ago and remains malicious today. “Thank you for thinking of me” I said with all the restraint I could muster.

I don’t fault the exuberant assistant manager. Obviously, she was just reciting lines forced on her from her corporate office. I envisioned her training at an endless Saturday seminar: “Then, look the customer directly in the eye and say, ‘Let’s do it now!’” She has to make a living-lower level bank employees probably don’t earn a bunch-and the bank has to make money too. My interest for a column on parenting has to do with the fact that, were I to purchase a loan, the interests of the 30-something employee would be served; mine would not.

When you tell your child to do something, who benefits? Before you say, “I only want what’s best for my children,” think deeply and critically. If your child does what you suggest, does he profit? Or do you?

Of course, there’s plenty of overlap between what’s good for your kids and what’s good for you. I can proclaim that I want my adolescent children to help clear the table and wash the dishes because I’m teaching them valuable skills that will be necessary when they live on their own. But the fact of the matter is I just want some help with the endless stream of dishes. I can say that I want my toddler to get to bed by eight o’clock so that she will be on a schedule and be able to regulate her sleep cycle, but what I really want is for her to go to bed so that I can have some time to myself to read a book or return a call.

The situation gets murkier on the athletic field and in the classroom. Why do you want so desperately for your daughter’s U-12 soccer team to beat those other kids (many of whom you’ve known since birth?) It’s developmentally appropriate to learn to lose graciously. It’s damaging to kids to hear their parents raging “Kill the ref!”

In the world of kids playing formal sports, it is hard to exaggerate the egregious, psychotic screaming that passes for supportive parenting but my favorite offensive comment from the mother of a winning girl was, “They needed that.” No, they didn’t mom. They’re little girls and they’re fond of the other little girls in the uniforms of the different color. You’re the one who needed that.

And frankly, it makes me wonder if you shouldn’t find another hobby that doesn’t involve hoping that a group of nine-year-olds doesn’t win a soccer game.

My second favorite remark was from the mother of a lovely young client of mine whose big heart and graciousness were exceeded only by his inability to decipher and understand the written word. Seth and I had worked hard to come up with a list of colleges with learning support where he could thrive. When Seth presented the schools to his mother, she said, “He can’t go to any of those schools; no one at my country club has ever heard of them.”

Even a stray dog knows if it has been tripped over or kicked. Don’t you think your children know if you want them to get good grades because you want what’s best for them or because you want to show off their accomplishments to your friends?

And if you are, in Alfie Kohn’s wonderful phrase, “basking in reflected glory,” don’t you think your children perceive the disconnect? Don’t you think they know that they are loved for what they do rather than who they are?

Just like I recognized the attractive woman at the bank for who she was–someone trying to sell me a second mortgage I didn’t need with a memorized pitch and a fake smile.