If a Heron Falls in a Forest

Adrienne is playing cards with his cousin, Melanie. Melanie’s mom watches as the children play, occasionally, pointing to a card in her daughter’s hand, giving advice, or suggesting a play. As the game progresses, Melanie’s mom becomes more involved, more insistent. Ignoring the other adults at the family gathering, she makes constant recommendations and hurls invective at her daughter when the ubiquitous instructions are not followed. Melanie’s mom expresses exasperation when Adrienne makes a good play; she communicates disgust when Melanie does not. In the course of a few minutes, what had been a pleasant children’s game has morphed into the ninth inning of the seventh game of the World Series.

Oh, and one more thing: Melanie is 15. Her cousin, Adrienne, is 8.

Melanie, who had been having fun, is now stressed and unhappy. Her previous agenda—connecting with her cousin—is long lost. She is focused on winning or pleasing her mother or something. Enjoying a family get together is no longer on the program.

My advice for Melanie’s mother is simple: Let your daughter process her own experience. Leave her alone.

What is Melanie’s mother communicating by giving advice on how to beat Melanie’s cousin, her junior by seven years? What will Melanie “hear” when her mother points out which card to play? Melanie will know that winning is more important than family.

Melanie will understand that she is not okay as she is.

***

Regular readers know how much I encourage healthy families to spend time in the outdoors. I can’t imagine what is more powerful for families than hiking to the top of a hill and gazing out over a silent vista of trees and birds.

It doesn’t take a great deal of imagination to internalize the metaphor. We like being together as a family; we like discovering what is at the top of the next trail; we can accomplish anything as long as we take it slow and stick together.

I have even allowed that not every trip is transplendent at the time, that some stories are much better when repeated years later than when experienced in real time. It’s more fun to tell the story about when you were cold, wet, and lost when you’re warm, dry, and found.

Here’s a camping story from a dad who just about froze his two elementary school aged children: remember that night it was so cold we thought we were going to have to pack up, walk two miles back into town and find a hotel? It seemed like there was frost inside the tent and you could see your breath. But we snuggled down in our sleeping bags and got through somehow. About four in the morning the clouds cleared away and it didn’t seem that cold anymore. I woke you up and you thought I was crazy. We poked our heads outside the tent and looked up to see the Milky Way overhead, a billion stars clear as water spread out behind the constellations. Nobody said anything and then we all fell asleep.

Imagine Melanie’s mom on a hike in the Everglades: “look, Melanie. Look over there! See that bird? Isn’t it beautiful? That bird is a blue heron! Look! The genus species for blue heron is ardeidae ardea. Blue herons were described by Linnaeus in the 18th century. And look over there! There’s a turtle…”

It’s great to go hiking or camping with your kids. It’s even more great if you can keep quiet and let them enjoy and interpret the experience on their own. Melanie’s encounter of the heron will resonate more soundly for Melanie if it isn’t processed first by her mother.

What else should kids be allowed to do on their own? Within the limitations of ages and stages, probably a lot more than you think. Kids will learn from what you are and from what you do more than from what you say. Surely, by the time your children hit middle school, they should be able to do their homework on their own. Melanie’s mom is in Melanie’s teacher’s face on a daily basis: “why did you give this assignment for homework? When did you teach this? Melanie doesn’t know how to do this.”

Melanie’s mom is not being helpful by communicating her extreme anxiety. Melanie’s mom is insuring that Melanie will never be able to do much on her own. Wouldn’t it be more helpful for Melanie to develop the skill of talking to her teacher by herself? Wouldn’t it be better for Melanie to learn that she will succeed or fail based on her own abilities? Wouldn’t it be better for mom to just let Melanie alone?

By the time kids like Melanie come to see me, they’ve been poked, prodded, corrected, bothered, badgered, and annoyed to the point of madness. They haven’t been allowed to look at a heron never mind process any emotions on their own. Is it any wonder than they’re snippy and unresponsive? Melanie’s every expression has been dissected and remarked upon. Why wouldn’t she be quiet? She no longer sees the point of saying anything. For her whole life she hasn’t been allowed to play a card never mind do a homework assignment or interact with a teacher for herself.

Your job as a parent is to give your child roots and wings. Your job as a parent is to allow your children to grow up strong and independent. Your job as a parent is to encourage your children to be who they are, not who you want them to be. A good way to help accomplish these goals is to allow your children to feel their feelings. If you are more invested in your 15 year-old daughter beating her eight year-old cousin at cards, if you are more concerned with your children’s grades than anyone else is, it might be time to take a step back and consider whose interests are being served.