Hidden Agenda

Paul returns to the off-campus apartment he shares with Nick who is, once again, slouched over the couch watching skate-boarding videos on their big screen while playing “Call of Duty” on his iPad. Paul notices, beyond the pile of empty pizza boxes and discarded beer cans, a three-foot pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Paul addresses his roommate as follows:

“I am sick and tired of doing your dishes, Nick. You are such a slob. When we decided to get this place, you said you would be responsible for doing half the dishes, but you never do any dishes. Your dirty dishes are going to attract roaches and rats. Look at all these disgusting dishes. I am so over your not doing any dishes.”

Press “pause” on the DVR recording of this interaction between these two 19-year-olds for a moment and answer one straight-forward question: What does Nick “hear”? What has Paul communicated? What is the emotion that Paul has conveyed? What is Paul’s agenda?

If you said, “Paul is angry” or “Paul is feeling frustrated,” I agree.

How will Nick respond? My guess is that he will become defensive and point out that Paul never vacuums like he promised he would or that most of the dirty dishes are, in actuality, Paul’s. Paul might then mention that if Nick would pick up the darn beer cans that maybe there would be room to run the vacuum. Nick might mention a borrowed jersey that wasn’t returned. The conversation may escalate to include accusations about past girlfriends, disappointments, and broken promises. The only guarantee in this rabbit hole scenario is that the dishes–remember the dishes?–will not get done.

Were Paul, on the other hand, to walk in, observe the same pile of dishes and blaring skateboarding videos, and say, “Hi, Nick. If you’ll wash the dishes, I’ll dry them and then we can go down to the campus cafeteria and see if there’s anybody who wants to play basketball”, then Nick is likely to say, “Sure. Sounds good.” Paul’s agenda is one of cooperation. The dishes will get done.

In the scenario when Paul got overwhelmed with anger, he used the word “dishes” half a dozen times, but Nick never heard anything about dishes. Nick just heard frustration. On the other hand, when Paul communicated “let’s get the job done,” he only used the word “dishes” once.

Exactly the same situation; completely different outcomes.

What is your agenda when you help your fifth grade child with his homework? What is your child “hearing” you communicate?

1) We’re all in this together; I’m happy to help.

Or

The world is an uncertain, horrible place and my anxiety about the future is out of control.

Will your child understand that…

2) In this family we help each other

Or

You are not okay. Unless you do these worksheets, you will be an even bigger loser than you already are.

Will your child come to acknowledge that…

3) Learning is important to me and it gives me great joy to convey that value to you. I have always loved reading and I hope my beloved child will as well.

Or

You must do what your teacher tells you. Even though these assignments are vacuous and you’re not learning anything, blind obedience to vapid authority.

Of course a lot of what your child hears when you sit down to help him with his homework is dependent on what your relationship has been to that point. If your child sees you as “that’s the person I want to be like when I grow up” help with homework may be seen as a welcome boon and a chance to hang out and learn. If, to the contrary, your child sees you as “that person who is always telling me to do things, who doesn’t like me the way I am, who keeps telling me I’m no good,” the interaction may be less productive and pleasant.

If I wanted to convey to you, gentle reader, an agenda of respect and affection as well as an agenda of helping you and your child connect in the most meaningful and agreeable way, I might recommend a “no homework zone” on Saturday afternoon during which you sit on the couch with your child and re-read _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban._ The hidden agenda of “my kid and I love hanging out together on a rainy weekend afternoon and taking an exquisite mental bubble bath of imagination and language” in not one that your child is likely to misinterpret.