Hidden Agenda

Amanda is watching Oprah in her off-campus apartment. Her feet are propped up on the sofa, a cold lemonade in one hand, a trashy novel in the other. She is the epitome of relaxed, the tottering tower of dirty dishes in the sink notwithstanding.

Her roommate walks in and addresses her as follows: “I am sick and tired of doing your dishes all the time, Mandy. When we said we’d room together, you said you’d do half the dishes. You never do dishes; I’m always the one who gets stuck doing the dishes. Would you just look at that stack of dishes?”

What emotion–adjectives preferred–is Amanda’s roommate conveying? What is her agenda? What is she conveying? What message does she want Amanda to hear?

If you said “angry” or “frustrated” I agree.

Imagine the same situation–Oprah, sofa, lemonade, trashy novel–only this time Amanda’s roommate walks in and says, “Hi, Mandy. Will you wash the dishes and I’ll dry them? Then let’s go down to that pizza place and see who’s around?”

Now, what’s the agenda? What is Amanda’s roommate communicating?

This time the message is all about getting the job done, cooperating, and camaraderie.

In the first situation–the angry one–Amanda’s responses are limited. Chances are she’ll say, “Oh, yeah? Well those dirty dishes aren’t mine and besides, you never vacuum.” Then, depending on their coping strategies and how good friends they were to begin with, Amanda and her roommate are unlikely to have any productive conversations for some time. Amanda’s roommate used the word “dishes” five times in her diatribe. But Amanda didn’t hear “dishes.” All she heard was “angry.”

In the second scenario, the one about “making it happen,” Amanda’s roommate only used the word “dishes” once. But Amanda heard “dishes” rather than “pissed off.” Amanda’s only possible response is “OK.” Who wouldn’t be willing to wash if someone else is willing to dry?

Hidden agenda is everything in life. Hidden agenda rules on a college essay. Hidden agenda sets the tone on a date. Hidden agenda is critical on a job interview, in a new neighborhood, when meeting someone for the first time. It isn’t what you say, but how you say it. It isn’t what you write, but what is exuded between the lines.

In wilderness therapy, students sometimes refuse to hike. Their therapist can stand over them and shout, “We’re all in this together; you agreed to hike; it’s important that we get this hike done as a group.” In this instance, the therapist will sound like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons: “Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah.”

On the other hand, what if the therapist first silently lies down in the snow? Then her soft spoken, private words may have a positive effect.

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What are the hidden agendas in your conversations with your children? Is it possible that your kids are interpreting your remarks contrary to the way you mean them? Are your kids “hearing” that which you don’t think you’re saying?

“I’m going to help you with your homework” may mean “I love you; I want what’s best for you; I want to help.” But your child may hear, “You are not capable of doing this assignment on your own.”

I’ll be interested in your examples of messages you sent to your kids that were different from the messages that they received.