The Gifts We Have

Does your daughter know how to change the oil in her car?

Does your son know how to speak another language?

We spend time focusing on the academic profiles of our kids. My daughter has an ‘A’ in Algebra II; my son is in the top ten percent of his class.

But can your son do his laundry? Can your daughter find her way across town in a strange city? Can your kids make a budget and stick to it in college? Can they balance a check book? Can your son show up on time for a job interview? Can your daughter walk into a room full of strangers at a reception and start a conversation?

What about the skills that we would prefer our children not acquire? Can your son find the part of town where he can buy oxycontin? Can your daughter steal a horse?

How do loving parents help our kids get those abilities that will best serve them in an uncertain future?

The following well known prose poem suggests that modeling is the answer for parents.

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be afraid.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with impatience, he learns to be hysterical.
If a child lives with anger, he learns to resent.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with reassurance, he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with love, he learns to find love in others.
If a child lives with calmness, he learns to be at peace.

Similarly, if you smoke cigarettes, it is more likely that your children will smoke cigarettes. If you take illegal drugs, it is more likely that your children will take illegal drugs. (If you’ve been thinking about getting rid of that marijuana that you have tucked away up in your closet because your 11 year-old child isn’t going to be naive forever, NOW would be a good day to throw it out. Yesterday might have been an even better time. I’ve never worked with a family in which the adults smoked pot, but the children were unaware.)

In short, our children will likely do what we do, not what we say.

If you know how to scuba dive, take your kids scuba diving. If you know how to fix a tire, teach your kids how to fix a tire. If you know how to speak Spanish, teach your kids how to speak Spanish. If you know how to throw a ball, go have a catch with your kids. If you know the quadratic formula, teach your kids the quadratic formula. If you know how to build a fire, teach your kids how to build a fire. If you know how to bake muffins, teach your kids how to bake muffins. If you know how to bathe a dog, teach your kids how to bathe a dog.

Kids do learn what they live. The more time you spend with your kids doing stuff, the less time you’ll have to spend telling them to do stuff.

The more time you spend with your kids, the less time your kids will have learning those lessons you don’t want them to know.

A young person I know got a job tutoring. It was a crazy good job for this middle class, high school senior. The tutoring job paid much more than the minimum wage, and instead of bagging groceries or working outside in the Miami sun, the kid sat in an air conditioned house and taught. The young person had soon saved enough from his wages to buy a computer and was saving up to travel around Central America after graduation.

Contrast this kid with the student who was given a Lexus for her 16th birthday. But complained because she had wanted a BMW. Which student do you think will be more content? Which adolescent do you think will be more appreciative of what s/he has?

I asked the tutor how he was able to get and keep such a good job. “It isn’t anything,” he said. “I just teach my student the way my dad taught me.”

I look forward to hearing your stories about gifts you were able to give your kids.