Do You Need a Date?

Some years ago driving to my girlfriend’s house, I saw an attractive young woman hitch hiking. Concerned about the quality of the neighborhood and eager to offer a hand, I slowed to a stop. This was the late 70s and girls with their thumbs out were rare. I pulled over and stood up between the driver’s seat and the door of my car. “Do you need a ride?” I asked.

From the sidewalk, the appealing young woman replied, “Do you need a date?”

Admittedly, a Martian who had been observing Earth culture for 20 minutes would have been able to perceive the occupation of the young woman with whom I was now conversing obliviously, but I blathered on. “No, I don’t want a date,” I said, puzzled. “I’m on my way to my girlfriend’s house just now as it happens and we were going to see if there are any movies playing although a couple weeks ago we saw this film that I kinda liked but she thought that the cinematography was overrated, but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if I were a few minutes late if I dropped you somewhere because this neighborhood these past few years has…”

It was only then that the proverbial penny dropped and rattled around in my cerebral cortex and I was able to discern what all the pieces–the impossibly short shorts, the shining fingernails, the halter top, the incredulous attitude–added up to.

Immediately unable to form a coherent thought never mind speak, I slid back into my car and sped off. Yes, I was indeed having a conversation about my aesthetic perception of 20th century cinema with a prostitute. No, I’m not proud of it.

My point here is not to make fun of my naive twenty-something year old self–indeed, this target is too large to present much of a challenge–but to pose two questions: How different could my life have been had this conversation been observed by someone other than the two participants? Was I in need of an intervention of some kind?

First off, let’s try to imagine the incredulity on the part of a police officer?

“Mr. Altshuler, let’s go over this again.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You say that the woman was wearing clothing that looked like it was painted on?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You say that you knew the temperature was 50 degrees?

“Yes, sir.”

“And you say the woman asked you if you wanted a date?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But you say that you didn’t know that she was a prostitute?”

“No, sir.”

***

Now to the second point–when to intervene: When our adolescent children do something so incredibly immature, when our kids do something so mind numbingly ill advised, when our kids commit an act so egregiously lacking in common sense that we stand slack jawed in awe, glassy-eyed in disbelief that we had anything to do with the conception and upbringing of this person who is saying, “It wasn’t me,” how do we proceed.

Because in actuality, beyond a shadow of a doubt reasonable or otherwise, it was you. How do I know it was you? Because there’s no one else in the room. That’s how I know. And before I walked in here a moment ago and turned my back, I am thoroughly certain that your eviscerated stuffed animal was not attached to the ceiling fan.

So now the question becomes, “one and done” versus “teachable moment”? The 15 year-old with marijuana that “isn’t his” in his backpack who just got kicked out of school? Again? Actually, that marijuana is his. And this issue needs to be addressed. When does this issue need to be addressed? Does yesterday work for you?

But the kid who sneaks out in the middle of the night to go for a walk with her friends? Maybe she is telling the truth when she says she just wanted to see what the stars looked like just before the sun comes up.

Loving parents must, as always, walk the middle path and find moderation. It’s naive not to be concerned about an adolescent who smokes pot, runs away, and gets kicked out of school; on the other hand, it’s over-the-top anxious to worry every minute about a kid who ignores an occasional homework assignment or stays up late reading a book with a flashlight under the covers.

Or as Thurber said in “The Bear Who Let it Alone,” “You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.” Making the tough calls, determining when to jump in and when to let kids figure things out for themselves, is what good parenting is all about.