Come And Get It!

A few years later in that first, tiny apartment, meals with friends were somewhat more sophisticated-but only somewhat. Actual furniture had replaced milk cartons, plastic plates had ousted paper, and there was an actual barbecue in the common area so grilled chicken usurped noodles. Somebody brought pasta salad and somebody else brought a dish recognizable as a dessert. Perfect! Good comestibles, good conversation, good company.

After chatting about sports, politics, relationships and how much all the guests hated their first job out of college, everybody pitched in to do the dishes. What a great evening! Who could ask for more?

Fast forward a decade or three and dinner parties with close friends are still a joy. The menu is more sophisticated and the furniture is paid for. Sure, scheduling is a little more complicated, but the basic principles of camaraderie, conversation, and closeness still prevail. Everybody talks, everybody eats, everybody helps clean up.

Imagine to the contrary that instead of being an active participant with a sense of shared purpose, you were an employee in the kitchen. “Chop those onions! Wipe that table! Hurry up there! Why isn’t that salad dressing finished yet?”

Making a contribution feels good. Being told what to do, less so. Mutual endeavor working toward a common goal is part of what makes us human. Subjugation is part of what makes us monstrous.

So if you and I like being part of something bigger than ourselves, why would we believe that our children would feel any differently?

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From the time they’re old enough to spill flour all over their faces and jammies to the time they make cookies for their middle school friends, kids love being part of what’s happening in the kitchen. Making brownies teaches chemistry (what kind of reaction is this?) math (three eggs for one package, how many eggs for two packages?) and cooperation (whose turn is it to lick the spoon?)

Adults would rather be invited to a dinner party than be employed at one. Kids would rather be part of a process bigger than themselves than be enslaved by parents pontificating about how chores build character. Even a stray dog knows if she has been tripped over or kicked. Including kids in the process of making a family function builds stronger relationships, better families, and cleaner kitchens.

It is hardly an exaggeration to suggest that we are predisposed at a fundamental level to live in family groups. Everybody benefits when everybody pitches in. See that guy over there on the African Savannah, the one playing a violent video game by himself? He is unlikely to survive long enough to have his DNA replicated in subsequent generations. All the cool Homo habilis chicks favor the dudes who want to hang out talking about how they can’t wait for proms to be invented two million years down the road.

Richard Dawkins suggests that our evolutionarily adaptive environment was unforgiving of the solitary guy who didn’t play nice with others. Ignoring the received knowledge of previous generations had consequences in real time. “Stay away from the edge of the cliff” and “Don’t eat the red berries” had meaning generations ago just like “Do you want to help make some brownies?” does today.

Why was that Homo habilis over there by himself? Hard to say given how tough it is to retrieve emails from two million years ago. But maybe he was tired of being told what to do rather than participating in the common purpose of the group.

A kid today eating dinner in front of a television or alone in his room is missing out on nutrition both caloric and emotional. Allowing kids to be part of the process of making a meal and making a family is what connects them to something greater than themselves.