Choose Your Story, Part Three: Outlaw at the Gates

Dr. Johnson defined second marriage as “the triumph of hope over experience.” Darren and Isabel were both determined to make it work after disastrous first attempts. But there was a stressor that was tearing them up. Not Isabel’s three needy daughters from her first husband. They were an economic and emotional drain, but Darren could cope. At least the girls and their armies of kids went home eventually. Not Darren’s annoying soccer buddies who descended like a Biblical plague of locusts every winter from disparate northern cities. Isabel could cope with endless airport transport and towel laundering. She may have thought “Who plays soccer at age 50?” but she never said it out loud. No, it was just one particular house guest who sent Isabel over the edge: Darren’s older sister, Fran.

And this year Fran wanted to come visit. For two weeks. And stay at Darren’s and Isabel’s house. Again.

Darren put down the phone and turned to Isabel. “Fran says December 17 to the Monday, the second would work for her.” Isabel remained focused on the newspaper in front of her. “If that’s OK with you,” Darren added.

“Will she be doing any housework this year, do you think?” Isabel began. “Making any contribution? Or do you think she’ll spend all her time telling me what a small house we live in? While I do all the cooking and cleaning? Like I did last year and the year before?”

Isabel went on. “Or maybe this year, she’s go back to talking about your mother’s estate and how she took all the jewelry for herself, leaving us with worthless, old record albums.”

Darren started to say something about how under rated Perry Como was but thought better of it.

“Or she can talk about how her kids are so much smarter, better educated, wealthier and happier than mine. That’s another topic that I don’t enjoy.”

Darren finally spoke up: “She’s my sister! I promised our mother I would look after her!”

Isabel looked at her husband. “Please,” she said. “Tell her to stay in a hotel this year. We can pay for it if you want. But I can’t have her here every hour of every day. I can’t do it. I can’t listen to her talk about what a great mother she was while she does nothing to help with the house work here. Please, Darren.”

“I can’t tell her to stay at a hotel. She’d never speak to me again.”

“I’m not asking you to push her off a cliff. Just let her stay at a hotel. Please.”

Darren looked at his wife and took a deep breath. “OK,” he said. “I’ll tell her to stay at a hotel.”

***

Isabel looked at her husband and melted. “You know what?” she said. “I’ve put up with your sister for 20 years. I can put up with her for another one. She can stay here.” Isabel walked over to her husband and put her arms around him. “But the fact that you were willing to have her stay at a hotel means the world to me. It means the world.”

***

A widower who had been married 57 years explained the secret or his long lasting, good marriage: “Whenever we had a disagreement, big or small,” he explained. “One hundred percent of the time, no matter what, I always gave in. Always. Completely, with an open heart, and without regret, I let her have her way every single time.” He paused and then continued tearfully. “And, of course, she did exactly the same thing.”

***

What do I learn from these three families? Mr. and Mrs. Andirez were so entrenched in blaming one another that I could not reach them. “Only a fool fights in a burning house.” They were fighting hard in their home, engulfed in flames. Their hatred of one another was so pure that they were sacrificing their only child at the alter of their anger. As a friend of mine reminds us: “Anger is an acid that destroys itself as well as any container in which it is placed.” I don’t think Mr. and Mrs. Andirez will ever find peace. I don’t think there is much hope that Ricky will stop smoking pot, go to college, find meaningful work, have a reasonable relationship with his parents, or live a contented life.

From Barry and his brother Jonathan, I learn that healing is possible. Relationships don’t have to be perfect to be functional. I remain hopeful that when Barry gets married later this year, that Jonathan will go to the wedding and that his children will be the ring bearers.

From Darren and Isabel, I learn that sometimes good things do happen to good people. Darren and Isabel have as good a marriage as most newlyweds. They are physically and emotionally intimate. They look forward to many more years of happiness together. Because Darren was willing to take his wife’s side and see her point of view, he ended up getting everything he wanted. In any marriage, we give up a little to gain a lot.

Share your stories of relationships that hit a rough patch and then worked well. I look forward to reading them.