Choice Parenting

1) Four-year-old Liam picks a wooden train out of the toy box. His six-year-old brother, Colby, comes over and grabs the train from his hand. Undeterred, Liam gathers a bag of blocks and starts to build a tower. Colby knocks over the stack of blocks. Undaunted, Liam selects a puzzle. Before he has put together the first two pieces, Colby pushes Liam out of the way and starts to work on the puzzle.

Having had quite enough of his older brother, Liam takes the box of pattern blocks, goes into his room, and locks the door to play by himself. Colby stands outside the closed door and inquires, “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to play anymore?”

2) A twenty-something graduate student calls her mother’s mother. Before the young woman can say “Hi, grandma, how are you?” she hears, “It’s about time you called; I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I was so worried. Are you okay? Why don’t I hear from you more often?”

When the grandmother hangs up after a brief conversation, she ponders out loud, “I wonder why she doesn’t call more often.”

These situations which are so blindingly obvious to us with the viewpoint of our seats in the balcony are not at all clear to the participants caught up in the action in real time: Colby is having a perfectly good day, bullying his little brother, taking all his toys. Six year olds are not known for “perspective taking”, seeing the point of view of another person. Colby doubtless believes that he and Liam are indeed “playing.” Colby’s needs are being met. He gets whichever toy he wants; he gets to push his little brother around.

Perhaps the grandmother in the situation is getting her needs met as well: she is expressing her anxiety, communicating that the world is an uncertain place, making it known that she wishes her grandchild would call more often. Perhaps she is angry about being widowed after a 53-year marriage and strikes out where ever she can.

It’s hard to know exactly why another person behaves as she does.

What is clear is that Liam is going to think long and hard about sharing or playing with his sibling subsequently. The 20-something graduate student is going to reflect on whether or not she wants to reach out to her grandmother next time she has a minute between classes, papers, and exams.
Before we dismiss the examples above with an emphatic, “Well, duh! Of course, Colby should be more gracious. Obviously, the grandmother should bottle her negativity” let’s ask ourselves these questions: Are there blind spots in our own lives that are as glaringly apparent as the ones in the examples above? When we look back at our interactions with our kids, will we feel like we have done everything that we could have to have healthy relationships? Or will we come to understand that we would have handled some situations differently were we given the chance to go through those precious years again. (Note: we will NOT be given the chance to bring up our children differently. In the game of life, there are no Mulligans.)

How is it possible that there is constant conflict and strife in our relationships with our–in my dad’s favorite phrase–“beloved children”?

Could it be that our needs were not met by our own parents and that we are looking for care from the next generation?

If our own parents didn’t nurture us, care for us, listen to us, let us grow, meet our needs, are we hoping that our own children can fill those gaps?

If we are looking for help from our kids rather than from our parents, we are going to the wrong place. Our job as parents is to provide emotional support and stability for our kids. It is our responsibility to take care of them. It is not their job to take care of us.

Here’s an admittedly silly, but provoking question: would you rather have a child who was successful and fulfilled but got in touch infrequently or a child who was a “hot mess” but kept in constant touch? Would you be happy with a daughter who was a happily married orthopedic surgeon and a mother of three who was too busy to spend much time with you? Or would you prefer a kid living in your basement at age 30 who emerged frequently to ask how you were doing-then borrowed your credit card again to sign up for another month of “Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Kill, Kill, Kill, Blood, Blood, Blood”?

For the purposes of this hypothetical, a child who is both content and communicative is not an option. Which would you choose? The happy child who doesn’t keep in touch or the miserable child who does? Couldn’t it be argued that one sign of good mental health in our children is their ability to live independently?

Wouldn’t you agree that a child who calls you because he wants to is preferable to a child who gets in touch because of guilt?

The good news is that in real life, a child who is both content and successful as well as attentive and thoughtful is a real possibility.

There was a 60s bumper sticker that read “If you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

Although your children are a gift, they are not yours to control nor do they belong to you. Their respect for their parents must be earned; their affection can never be commanded.