First Step

Alex’s defiance has been escalating since middle school and is no longer passive. In eighth grade he said, “I’ll take out the garbage as soon as I go up one more level.” At 17, he says, “I hate this house and everyone in it; on my next birthday, I never have to see either of you two losers ever again.”

Mom suggests that without a high school diploma or marketable skills of any kind, Alex will have a tough time coming up with first and last month’s rent. Dad asks about Alex’s marijuana usage. Alex indignantly swears that he has smoked pot “only three times.” Dad feels strongly that “only three times” refers not to lifetime consumption but rather to “this morning.”

School is an unrelenting nightmare for the family. Electronic communication proceeds formal letter leading to conference after conference: Alex is disengaged; Alex is skipping class; Alex isn’t turning in assignments; Alex is disrespectful to teachers.

Alex’s conduct at home is even worse: his behavior is unmanageable. He refuses to do any household chores whatsoever; when he doesn’t get his way regarding curfew, he becomes belligerent. Although he has never actually hit either parent, the threat of physical violence is never far from the surface. Recently, when his mother tried to wake him up to go to school, Alex pushed her and hurt her shoulder.

Alex’s parents are at a loss. Alex’s psychologist suggests that Alex will mature over time. Alex’s parents aren’t sure they have much time given Alex’s predilection for drinking and driving. Alex’s psychiatrist recommends adding an atypical antipsychotic medication to Alex’s regiment of psycho-stimulants for attention and SSRIs for anxiety. Alex’s parents don’t think the current medicines are making any difference and can’t get any clarity on the interaction between the prescription meds that they know Alex is taking and the street drugs that they don’t.
Just when Alex’s parents don’t feel the situation can get any worse, Alex is arrested for burglary and possession. “We were just hanging out in the backyard by the pool,” Alex explains. “And the drugs weren’t even mine. How many times do I have to tell you?”
Whether or not the parents believe Alex”s series of half truths and blatant prevarications becomes less important than the judge’s opinion. It is becoming increasingly likely that Alex will have to spend time in jail.

Alex’s educational consultant working with his defense attorney suggests that Alex enroll in a wilderness behavioral program rather than go to prison.

The only problem, according to Alex’s parents, is that he won’t go to wilderness therapy voluntarily.

“Many children refuse the idea at first,” says the educational consultant. “There are escort services that accompany recalcitrant youth to the outdoor program.”

“You mean big guys who show up in the early hours of the morning?” asks Alex’s father.

“That would never work,” says Alex’s mother. “Alex would fight them.”

“He would punch and kick,” Alex’s father goes on. “He played lacrosse in middle school and he still has the stick near his bed.”

“If they wake him up at 4:00 in the morning, he will put his foot through the bathroom window and run away.

Without another viable option, Alex’s parents fill in the paperwork for a program out west and agree to have Alex picked up by professional transporters.

“But be careful,” Alex’s mom cautions the team. “He will probably be stoned and asleep, but he can be violent.”

“And he’s very strong especially when he’s angry,” seconds Alex’s dad.

At 4:00 am the next morning, Alex’s parents nervously admit the transport team into their home then walk down the block so that they don’t have to hear the ensuing outburst and violence. Surprisingly, they hear no noise of any kind and, moments later, see their son walking calmly to the car.

In their conversation with the transporters later that day, the parents ask what happened.

“Alex is safely at the program,” the transporter says.

“But wasn’t he aggressive? Didn’t he curse at you and try to punch you?” Alex’s mom asks.

“No,” the transporter responds. “To the contrary, he was polite and thoughtful. Everything went smoothly.”

“But what did he say?” asks Alex’s dad. “When you picked him up and explained where you were going, what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where have you been? What took you so long? I’ve been waiting for years, hoping you’d show up.'”

***

Sometimes that which we fear the most for our kids is exactly what they need the most. Sometimes the behaviors that seem most ingrained are just the ones that the kids want to get rid of as well. Sometimes the only way to overcome a fear of cold water is to jump into cold water.
Alex’s parents were concerned about Alex’s pot use, school failure, aggression, and oppositionality.

As it happens, Alex was concerned as well. He just didn’t know how to ask for help or start living a different life.

The more your children seem happy living contrary to their parents’ wishes, the more likely it is that the kids want to experience the power of transformative positive change just as much as their parents do.

Oh, and what happened to Alex? How is he doing down the road? Alex went on to a therapeutic boarding school after wilderness therapy. It has now been a full ten years since he was arrested for burglary and first met with his educational consultant.

His mom called me a few months ago. To tell me that Alex had finished his Master’s in Business and was working for the C.O.O. of a Fortune 400 firm. He has been clean and sober for a decade and volunteers one evening a week working with young addicts in recovery.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Indeed, that first step can be harder than all the rest of the steps put together.