What kind of house do you live in?
1) Are you living with Annie Oakley and Frank Butler (originally played by Ethel Merman and Ray Middleton in the 1946 Broadway musical, “Annie Get Your Gun”?) Does your house resound with these lyrics?
“I can do anything you can do better, I can do anything better than you”
Does the chorus,
“No, you can’t.
Yes, I can.
No, you can’t.
Yes, I can.
No, you can’t.
Yes, I can, Yes, I can!”
sound familiar?
Parents frequently tell me about their struggles to get their seventh graders to do homework: “Every night it’s the same struggle; we battle over getting the homework done. I am constantly reminding him to do his homework. In the past year, I’ve told him 100 times to do his homework.”
I am tempted to reply: “Then what makes you think that telling him for the 101st time will make any difference?”
It seems more likely that Annie will convince Frank that she is the better shot.
Which isn’t going to happen.
2) Wouldn’t you rather be living with The Tremeloes*
“How many times will she fall for his line
Should I tell her or should I keep cool?
And if I tried, I know she’d say I lied
Mind your business, don’t hurt her, you fool.”
***
Yes, it is painful to watch those we love make mistakes. Yes, all loving parents want to step in, say the right words, make the situation better. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to solve all the following problems for our beloved children?
* My son asked a girl to the dance, but she declined his invitation.
Tell him to ask another girl! There are many fish in the sea! There’s another street car every 20 minutes! Every pot has a lid! She’s a stupid girl any way! Any girl would be lucky to have you!
* My daughter failed her driver’s license test.
Those people at the Department of Motor Vehicles are idiots! I’ll have their jobs! How dare they flunk my daughter! I’ll show them! You are a good driver!
What about allowing a little golden silence and letting your kids figure things out for themselves? How about just “being present” for them. Kids get turned down for dates. Kids flunk driver’s tests. It happens. Try not to give advice.
Because you can’t feel their feeling for them. Because they already know what to do.
And by making a lot of noise–no matter what you say–you’re just drawing attention to the issue, making it more than it is.
You can be right. But you’ll walk alone.
And here’s a not so obscure secret: Your kids already know what you think.
Take it to the bank. If your child is out of elementary school, she already knows your opinion on every subject you can name: She knows your political opinions; she knows for whom you vote; she knows your thoughts on abortion, gun control, immigration, term limits, debt ceiling, and whether or not you think the United Nations should intervene in Syria.
Here’s another tidbit of information that is not a secret: Your 16 year–old son knows whether or not you smoke pot. Why not stand up and communicate in no uncertain terms that in your family, it’s not OK to get high? Actions do speak louder than words. You don’t have to say anything. Just throw away your stash.
Your kids already know what you think. They may not have gotten the information in the way you think they did. Kids learn by osmosis more than by direct instruction. Next time your kids come to you with a question, rather than responding with a diatribe, why not shrug and say, “I dunno; what do you think?” And then, no matter what they say, just respond, “Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.”
One of the best moms I know refuses to speak to her children during car pool. If asked, she’ll suggest that she likes to concentrate on her driving. But in reality she just likes to listen to the kids recounting their perceptions of algebra, recess, and which kids have crushes on each other.
Not only do you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, you get a lot more information from being quiet than from badgering kids with “How was your day?” and “Do you have any homework?”
In short, wake up and smell the information. It’s out there.
I’ll be quiet now. And let you respond with stories of how you were able to help your kids come to good decisions–by being quiet.
* “Silence is Golden” was originally recorded by The Four Seasons in 1964, but was a Number One hit for the Tremeloes, staying at the top of the charts for three weeks in the UK in May of 1967.
