Horrible, Horrible, Horrible

“That’s horrible,” Janet interrupted. “What’s the point of having children if you’re just going to send them away to boarding school?”

Lynn, who had been talking about attending boarding school as a child fell silent as Janet continued: “I would never send my kids to boarding school.”

It was clear to me that Lynn’s feelings were hurt. Indeed, it was obvious to everyone at the dinner party that Janet had made an error in judgment. Now that I reflect, it was obvious to everyone in Miami-Dade County that Janet had her foot solidly in her mouth. Had there been a recent immigrant from Mars who had been studying the culture of her nearest solar system neighbor for just under two weeks, the gaff would have been obvious to that newly-arrived creature as well. Frankly, I’m surprised that you didn’t call me to discuss this rending of the social fabric when the shock waves of Janet’s offensive remark hit your house and knocked that book on etiquette off your mantel piece.

Undeterred by the disruption in the moral composition of the universe, Janet blundered on: “I mean, do you love your kids or don’t you? Boarding school? Why not just drop them off at an orphanage and be done with it?”

There was more of the same from Janet-“Why would anyone send their children to boarding school? Why? What is wrong with people?-but I have too much fondness for you, gentle reader, to subject you to another syllable. And fortunately for me, I was able to tune out of Janet’s diatribe by focusing on something more pleasant-having my body torn apart and devoured by wolves, for example.

Let’s ignore, for the moment, the myriad of eventualities that may have allowed Lynn’s parents to choose boarding school: maybe the family had a boarding school tradition stretching back generations; maybe Lynn had learning differences that could not be addressed by the schools in her town; maybe her parents were in poor health; maybe Lynn wanted to ride horses or take advantage of the rich texture of education and extra-curriculars that boarding schools offer. We’ll never know that specifics because Janet’s imperious interruption shut the door on my learning more about Lynn and her family.

I’m just an old math teacher so I want to enumerate the two possibilities here: Either Janet is right-it is always unequivocally wrong to allow a child to attend a boarding school-or she’s wrong. If Janet is right, then it is horrible to point out the fact that Lynn’s parents erred. On the other hand, if Janet is wrong, then it is stupid to make her ignorant outlook so loudly and violently known.

As my grandfather used to say, “When you wake up in the morning, you want to be able to shoot higher than either horrible or stupid.”

I wish I knew who originally pointed out that opinions are like digestive systems in that everyone has one, but it is unlikely that anyone wants to hear about yours.

For parents, it is imperative to know when to keep our mouths shut. “More than you might think” is my first approximation in that our kids already know our opinions. Since our kids do as we do rather than as we say anyway, during carpool we might as well eavesdrop rather than pontificate. You never know what you might pick up.

You know those people who don’t listen, who just wait for their turn to talk? Don’t be one of them. Elevate your sights about either horrible or stupid.