Parenting Quiz

1) My six year-old daughter is having a birthday. What should I do?
2) My 14 year-old daughter loves animals, wants to see a bear in the wild. What should I do?
3) My 16 year-old son is the third chair out of three trumpet players in the school orchestra. What should I do?

Which of the following responses is more likely to facilitate children who grow up to be competent and content?

1) My six year-old daughter is having a birthday.

1A) I’ll call the party planner and have them set up a bounce house, a train track, pony rides, and a petting zoo. We’ll have Cinderella and a dozen other princess characters in costume. They’ll perform several original skits. We’ll invite all the first graders from all the classes in the school, about a hundred children. The caterer will focus on finger food for the kids and, of course, a full buffet and mimosas for the adults. My daughter will spend most of the day being photographed.

1B) Six years old means six guests, (OK, maybe eight.) My daughter loves art projects so we’ll talk about setting up a long white paper taped to the fence in the backyard and she and her friends can finger paint from one end to the other. Then we’ll hose ’em down and they can go for a swim.

2) My 14 year-old daughter loves animals, wants to see a bear in the wild.

2A) My daughter wants to see a bear in the wild then, by golly, she’s going to see a bear in the wild. “Linda, call the helicopter place. Arrange for them to pick up my daughter at oh, five hundred tomorrow morning and take her to the top of that mountain where all them bears are. Then call that wildlife outfit. Have ’em rustle up some bears and release ’em near where the helicopter lands.”

My daughter will darn sure see a bear.

2B) My daughter wants to see a bear in the wild then we’ll sit down together and plan a hike. We’ll go to the library and she’ll do the research: she’ll find out where we’re likely to see bears; she’ll plan out a budget for gas and food; she’ll check the weather report. I’ll make sure the camping gear is ready to go.

We’ll spend the day walking up the mountain together. Maybe we’ll see a bear and maybe we won’t. Either way, it’ll be a great day.

3) My 16 year-old son is the third chair out of three trumpet players in the school band.

3A) Of course MY child should be first chair. I’ll scream at him until he practices more. Then I’ll steal the trumpet of the first chair player so she can’t practice and hit the mother of the second chair trumpet player in the knee. That way her son will be so upset that he won’t be able to practice either. My child will be first chair.

3B) Trumpet is such a great instrument. I hope my son will come to love music in general and trumpet in particular. I’ll encourage him to practice by playing along side him, but I don’t care what chair he is. I like the child for who he is, not for what he’s able to do on the trumpet. For all I know, he likes mathematics or carpentry more than he likes music. I’ll give him the opportunity to follow his passion.

As you read the answers, did you consider which parenting style will convey anxiety and which way of parenting will foster ability?

Stuff happens in the world and better parents prepare their children for the path rather than preparing the path for their child. There’s a difference between your daughter not getting the lead in “Guys and Dolls”–even though any objective observer would agree that she is more talented and has been working harder and longer than the girl who is playing Adelaide–and the over the top parenting described in letter A above.

Six year-olds should be involved, at an age appropriate level, in planning their own parties. Fourrteen year-olds should come to understand that sometimes you see charismatic mega-fauna on a hike and sometimes you don’t see an animal bigger than a mosquito. The big animal sightings are special precisely because they can’t be planned for or counted on. And by 16 years of age, it better be more important to your son where he sits in the school band than it is to you.

A good question to ask is: “Who benefits?” Does the CHILD want a catered birthday party replete with costumed strangers? Or do you? Another good question parents should ask themselves is, “What is age appropriate for my child?” Hint: if the answer involves the word “helicopter” or “limousine” but not the word “trauma” or “hospital” then something is likely wrong.

Simply stated, if your child’s happiness is more important to you, the parent, than your child’s happiness is to your child, then it’s time to take a deep look at your relationship with your child. My guess is that it’s also time to let your child accept more responsibility for finding her own way. Allowing little children to deal with little disappointments avoids the bigger issue of having bigger children destroyed by bigger disappointments.

The correct answers, “B,” can be summed up as follows: the more you do for your child, the less she’ll be able to do for herself.