Mean Colonel Mustard

Why did Colonel Mustard kill Mr. Body in the Billiard Room with the Revolver?

As difficult as it may be to get a valid psychological profile of a one-inch tall, yellow, bit of smoothed wood, I’m going to make the following inference: there was money involved. “Follow the money” is a good place to start in solving a crime.

In my line of work, college admissions counseling, “Follow the feeling” is a good place to start in unraveling a family’s motivation. To help a student make the right match, good counselors listen. After listening to the student, we also listen to the moms:

“Percival is very bright; he needs to go to a top school.”

“Tell me more. What are his interests?”

“He has mostly As with some Bs and a few Cs.”

“What is he passionate about?”

“He has As in Art and Weight Lifting.”

“What makes him smile?”

“He has Bs in English and History.”

“What does he feel is important?”

“He has Cs in math and science. But that’s because his teachers don’t remind him to do his homework. He should be in advanced classes, but the counselor doesn’t like him.”

“How does he spend his time when he’s not in school?”

“He should have done better on his SATs but he didn’t prepare and the conditions at the testing center were unacceptable.”

“Where does he see himself in five years?”

“He’s very bright.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”

“Yes. I already told you: He needs to go to a top school.”

No, actually, he doesn’t. He’ll be slaughtered. He’ll be unhappy and overwhelmed. He’ll be outmatched and stressed out. He’ll develop concomitant miseries–alcohol abuse if he’s lucky, substance abuse if he’s not. I’ve been helping “top” students find themselves at top colleges for generations now. The profiles of these kids are remarkably similar: the toughest academic course load their high school has to offer; norm referenced test scores well into the 90th percentile; leadership positions in meaningful, consistent extra-curriculars; and a work ethic that just won’t quit. Percival won’t do well in that rarefied atmosphere; he won’t be able to breathe.

I’m very fond of Randy Starks, a Defensive End for the Miami Dolphins. He impresses me as a hard working player and a decent guy off the field. But if we line up opposite one another across the line of scrimmage, it’s going to be bad for my 54 year-old, 170 pound self.

Consider Gary, a solid B student with low processing speed and some other mild learning differences. With the help of his counselor, he has developed a list of colleges that would give him the support he needs and allow him to success both in the classroom and out. His mom’s response that “no one at my country club has ever heard of any of these colleges” suggests that Gary’s mom is looking out for her own interests more than for those of her son.

What is mom’s agenda? It doesn’t take much of an extrapolation to suggest what Gary’s mom might be thinking about. Surely she wants what is best for her son. She may want Gary to be the kind of student who can go to a “top” college and succeed. Absent Gary being that kind of kid, mom may be hoping that Gary can appear to be that kind of kid. Again, I can suit up in orange and blue and try to block Randy Starks, but at 6′ 3″ and just over 300 pounds, he doesn’t have a lot to worry about.

The lesson bears repeating: college admissions is a match to be made, not a game to be won.

Loving parents need to follow their feelings, gain insight into their motivations and then, go back to look out for what is in their children’s interests. That way we help to ensure that the kids end up at the right place.