Process

Warning: This newsletter contains adult content and may be inappropriate for some readers, offensive to others.

A more insightful author than I pointed out recently that the ten billion dollar pornography industry in this country is not comprised of ten perverts each spending a billion dollars.

Take it to the bank: if your 16-year-old child has a phone with Internet access, that child has been exposed to images that should concern any loving parent.

If adolescents viewing violent pornography is the new normal, there will be a cost. Some parts of the brain will become more active at the expense of other parts. Brains will work differently. I am already hearing from therapists whose male clients are unable to be physically intimate with actual women. Admittedly real-live women are more complicated than even the most sophisticated videos; communicating with living women requires actual thought and attention.

I also worked with a therapist recently who talked about a patient who had been arrested. Apparently the young man had insisted that his date engage in some of the behaviors he had observed in the pornographic videos which he had been watching incessantly. Bad plan.

Kids unable to connect with real people, kids whose expectations are unlikely and harmful–this is the world into which our children have been hurled.

That the dangers to our children are unprecedented is–like gravity–an idea accepted by many reasonable people. Never before have process addictions been available with such reckless abundance. Access to tobacco, vodka, gambling, opioids, Internet pornography, and violent video games is unmatched. That some of these cravings are more efficiently dangerous than others, I won’t dispute–in the sense that I suppose I would rather be shot with one bullet than several. But the question remains: how do we keep our children safe?

Walled communities won’t get the job done. Neither will “good” schools. Private schools enroll students who smoke pot. So do boarding schools, so do day schools. High schools in big cities have students who take drugs. High schools in small towns too. High schools with big enrollments have kids who are on the way to becoming addicted. High schools with small enrollments do also.

To say that drugs in high schools have reached epidemic proportions is to understate the case. I defy my gentle readers to suggest a high school in the United States of America where the “Just say ‘no’ to drugs” campaign is any more effective than the 2016 Cleveland Browns. There are kids who take drugs in every high school in the country.

Not to beat you over the head with this point, but music festivals routinely admit over a hundred thousand attendees of whom many are high school students of whom most take drugs. Where do you think all those kids go to school? Answer: the same high school where your kids attend.

So if there are kids in every high school who use drugs, how do we allow our children to make it to the age of majority without having destroyed part of their brains and the likelihood of having a shot at a successful life? As a politician might have said, “It’s the relationship, Stupid.”

As always, a “yes”is required for every “no.””No, you can’t play violent video games. Go sit in the backyard and build a nuclear submarine out of sticks and mud” is unrealistic for many families. “No you can’t play violent video games, let’s plant a vegetable garden” will get more traction. Note that the later response–speaking of humans–requires the involvement of an actual parent.

When your little one asks if you will read her another story, say’yes.’ When she asks to play a game on a screen, say “no.” When your middle schooler asks for an Xbox say, “No. Let’s go for a hike near the waterfall.” And when your adolescent child asks for access to a screen in his room, say, “No. Let’s walk down to the park and toss a ball.”

Your child’s high school isn’t safe; your community isn’t safe; but your home can be safe. The rock on which your home stands is your relationship with your kids. By being there for your kids you increase the likelihood that they will not be seduced by screens, drugs, violence, gambling, or alcohol.

Sound like a plan?