As it turns out, I’m right.
For a little while I thought you might be somewhat right or at least a little bit right. But as it turns out you were thoroughly wrong, 100%. I thought there might be a reason to listen to your point of view, take into consideration some aspects of your position. It turns out that won’t be necessary in that you are completely wrong.
 |
 |
I’m not saying that I was going to agree with your way of looking at things but I thought your side of the story might be part of the equation. It turns out to the contrary, that each and every one of your ideas is uniquely and perfectly wrong. There is no reason whatsoever therefore to even acknowledge your point of view.
|
 |
I understand that there may be some collateral damage given that you are unequivocally wrong about each and every particular. There’s nothing we can do about that at this point. Since it turns out that I am completely right, there is no point in dwelling on your thoughts any longer.
Not to belabor the point, but as it turns out I am right and you are wrong. It’s just one of those things. You might have been right. I might have been wrong. But as it turns out, that is not the case. Therefore and thereby there is no earthly reason whatsoever for me to listen to your concerns let alone consider your opinion never mind act upon it.
Because as usual, you don’t seem to be listening, let me explain it another way. Everyone I know agrees with me. No one I know agrees with you.
Some uninformed misguided souls might suggest that I am wrong. But it is they who are wrong. The same dim bulbs might suggest that my hatred of you is more powerful than my love for our children. Again, these misguided dumb bunnies are completely and utterly mistaken. My insistence that the children eat what I say, go to school where I say, and think like I think has nothing to do with you. It only has to do with the fact that all your ideas are completely wrong as is, I might add, everything else about you.
I’m not saying that I know everything. I’m just saying that you don’t know anything.
 |
|
For example, you decided to feed our four-year-old daughter Cheerios. This decision was wrong. Everyone knows that she prefers Honey Nut Cheerios. In giving her Cheerios (which is wrong,) rather than Honey Nut Cheerios, (the correct course of action,) you have once again proven yourself to be utterly, incomprehensibly, and thoroughly wrong.
|
 |
Someone involved in our protracted legal proceeding–I forget if it was one of the forensic accountants, the second or third mediator, or one of the attorneys–suggested that I should let it go. That person had the unmitigated temerity to suggest that a child needs two parents, that getting along is more important than the choice of breakfast cereal.
What piffle!
Being right is what matters. What if my soon-to-be-ex were to remarry and have another child and give THAT child the wrong breakfast cereal? The counselors keep harping on parental alienation–whatever that is–how it is bad for children to be taught to hate one of their parents. Of course I refuse to let the kids see their other parent. Being right is what matters. Being right is more important than anything else.
***
At the risk of “explaining the joke” let me be blunt: with an ex-partner, it is invariably better to go along and get along. Children benefit from peace. Children learn what they live (not a plug for my third book, just an accepted developmental phenomenon.) If children live with fighting, they learn how to fight. If children see a parent insisting on being right, they learn that being right is more important than having a functional relationship.
 |
|
Here is another way to conceptualize marriage, explained by a widower who had lost his wife of 57 years: “Sure we had disagreements over the years. What couple doesn’t? Whenever we had an argument, big or small, no matter what the subject, I always gave in 100% of the time.” He paused as his eyes misted over. “And she did exactly the same.”
|
 |
When the chickens come home to roost, as chickens invariably do, don’t you hope that your child’s relationship with you will be predicated on forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding rather than focused solely on who is right?
8 thoughts on “Right”
When I got married my father pulled me aside at the rehearsal dinner to give me the best advice he ever imparted. He said that a long, happy marriage required two things. First is that she’s right 90% of the time. It doesn’t matter what the subject or argument or whatever – she’s right 90% of the time. Most things are less important than you think they are. Second is that you need to keep some money aside that she doesn’t know about. Why? Because you are really going to want that 10% and you need to be able to pay for it without starting another argument. My wife and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary in February.
One of your BEST missives
I read all your columns and don’t get around to leaving comments and I’m sorry, because I know how good it feels to have people engage!
So regarding this article, although I know you always focus on children and parenting, I got caught up in the parallel with our political system right now. Just goes to show how human we all are, no matter the issue.
With the couples seeing me for therapy, I always bring their attention to the underlying meaning of whatever it is they are fighting about. So it’s not about who is or isn’t doing the dishes, it’s about what it means to you when your partner doesn’t do them. Politics or parenting, it’s all the same and it always boils down to the same basic internal beliefs: I’m not good enough, I’m not important, I’m worthless, I’m a bad person. That’s the button being pushed, however logically irrational, and it comes from our own childhoods, not from whatever is going on now.
When we can identify and own that, we can move closer to connection.
I have heard it put: “Would you rather be right or happy?” Happy wins hands down although it took many years and many paths to arrive there. Thanks David.
Yeah, old friend. I wasn’t born knowing this stuff either. What this little insight “cost” me is not a fit subject for a family column! 🙂
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I’ve always said that if you’re going to get divorced, better to do it while the kids are toddlers so they don’t know any better and have no trauma (hence, me.) But after reading this article I wonder if my healthy divorce upbringing was because the separation happened before I knew any better … or because neither of my parents bothered caring who was “right”. Their co-parenting was all about me. My well being, my happiness, my needs. They left their resentment and anger in a separate chapter that didn’t concern me at all. I guess you don’t have to stay married to teach your children about forgiveness, acceptance, or understanding. Healthy divorces teach that also.
Very well said! A+
Until you got to the part about the Cheerios, I thought this was a post about discussing politics on Facebook.