The Child You Want

A buddy of mine turned 50 the other day. On an early morning run, he whined yet again about how he hasn’t met anyone who meets his criteria for an amorous association.

“Of course she should be bright and funny, but she should also be physically attractive and enjoy old horror movies, right?”

A group of runners sped up and a few others slowed down. We had all heard these criteria explicated so many times over the years we could recite them ourselves. Many of our group of a dozen sweaty folks work hard on our relationships and our families. Nobody wants to hear from guy who has never been married and probably never will be.

“And I don’t want anybody over 30 years old,” he went on. “And nobody who wants to have children. You know I don’t like kids. And she has to be sensitive to my schedule. You know I work nights, so she has to be available to hang out after 10:00 pm and understand that I like to sleep on the weekends.” Without irony or insight, he continued, “Is that too much to ask?”

We all enjoy Jim. But after 30 years, nobody takes him seriously. What he wants in a girlfriend is as unrealistic as it is unreasonable. His salary from managing a small restaurant doesn’t make him an economic catch–not that he’s all that generous to begin with. The likelihood of his connecting with a physically attractive, financially independent, 30-something who wants to hang out with a demanding man 20 years her senior is zero. He wants to find somebody who wants to watch TV reruns late at night? Horror movies? C’mon. Not gonna happen.

There are many ways to find someone with whom you want to spend romantic time. One critical strategy is to widen the net so that there is some possibility that a fish might be caught. Unless Jim makes some fundamental changes in his criteria or in himself, he is going to be watching TV alone.

Now admittedly, I don’t know much about dating, but I have given some thought over the years to how parents interact with their children. Here’s an analogous question regarding accepting your kids for who they are: Is it possible that you are insisting that your child be only one kind of child? Are you like Jim who is looking for only one kind of partner? Will you only be satisfied with one kind of child?

If your vision of who your child should be extends only to a high achieving, academic superstar who is athletically gifted and editor of the high school yearbook, the likelihood is that you will be disappointed. By definition, only one child can have the highest grades at a particular school. Can you live with the fact that your child may not be the valedictorian? Only one student can be the editor of the yearbook. Are you okay with the possibility that the editor could be somebody else’s kid?

I would never be the one to say that otherwise your dissatisfaction is inevitable. Nor would I presume to suggest that you might want to look at your own issues. But I might ask why is it so important to you that your child be who you want her to be–valedictorian, athlete, editor–rather than who she wants herself to be.

Was the model in your family of origin displeasure and frustration? Were your parents typically irritated and disapproving rather than loving and supportive? Was their love contingent upon your performance rather than forthcoming regardless of how you did.

If you accept your kids for who they are rather than for how they do, there is a better chance that you will have the kind of relationship that you want–close, communicative, and connected. If, on the other hand, you are only accepting of one kind of kid, let me introduce you to my friend, Jim. You two may have a lot to talk about and a great deal of time in which to do it.