Did I Say that Out Loud?

April showers will bring college admissions decisions this week and although “fat envelopes”-filled with roommate selection, immunization and myriad other forms-have been replaced by lengthy emails with links, the elation and sadness remain constant across generations. Thin envelopes still represent “we had too many qualified applicants.” Fat envelopes remain the door to a world of possibilities.

Also unchanged is the tendency for second semester seniors to pay less attention to their studies. These kids have been admitted to college. Why would they study? Are you kidding? The only reason these kids ever learned anything in the first place was so they could get a good grade so they could go to college. You don’t put a dollar in a coke machine because you want to watch the sun set. It’s commerce.*

Here however is a note of gentle warning to those who have been accepted to college and are slumping like the 1951 Brooklyn Dodgers who lost their 13.5 game lead and then lost a three-game series against the Giants in which Bobby Thompson hit “the shot heard round the world” in the greatest comeback of all time if you’re a Giant fan but the saddest moment in the history of sport if you-or more accurately your grandparents-were rooting for the Trolley Dodgers: your acceptances are provisional. That’s right. There’s no free lunch and there’s no guarantee that your space is the incoming class is reserved. If your 3.9 cumulative un-weighted grade point average becomes a 2.9, your first choice college can become a “woulda could shoulda” in a New York minute.

How else might you shoot yourself in the foot using a machine gun? Consider the following: Use your twitter feed to brag about your inappropriate behavior with alcohol. “After my interview at Schmendrick College, I urinated on the statue of the president.”

These 140 characters spell doom for the unsuspecting 17-year-old.

In a gentler age, the response from the college might have been more reasoned. As recently as 1993, a wonderful liberal arts college in Pennsylvania phrased their concerns as follows: “As I am sure you are aware, your performance during [the second semester] represents a significant decline from that of previous semesters.”

Rut ro!

The letter went on to say, “Consequently, the Admissions Committee has determined that your enrollment status at [college whose name you would recognize] be suspended pending further review…” The accepted/rejected student was given the opportunity to do penance, to read some books and write some essays. The hope was that the “yes letter” would grow back.

In the days before “e”-stantaneous communication, it took longer for colleges to learn about a senior’s grade of “D” in second semester calculus. An evening of poor judgment could remain a secret between the student and a puddle of beer barf in the woods. Now that students have access to decidedly un-social social media, colleges have instant access to whatever your seniors choose to expose. Just as an email is more like a post card than a letter, a tweet is shouted from the rooftops.

Admissions officers don’t want to be the one who made the mistake and admitted the vomiting first year. It costs money to pay the lawyers who write the “you can’t be a student here anymore” letters. Students who smoke pot and aren’t even smart enough to keep the information to themselves are a strain on scarce college resources.

The more serious issue, of course, is not whether or not your poor judgment is public, but whether or not your bad choices exist in the first place. The point of this column is certainly not to encourage students to keep their indiscretions discrete.

But in the meantime, don’t think colleges aren’t listening to whether or not you’re proclaiming yourself to be a twittering buffoon. Because they most certainly are.

* For the chronically irony impaired, let me state unequivocally: I am desperately in favor of learning for its own sake. Students who study only for grades bring dishonor to themselves and their institutions. Teachers who only teach to the test are no better.