Roberta describes her pandemic life monitoring her five, seven, and nine-year-old children: I feel like I am talking to myself. Sometimes I have to ask my partner if I am actually speaking words out loud. The children do not acknowledge, let alone respond, never mind acquiesce to my escalating instructions.
Pre-scientific societies were said to make causal inferences from correlations. Which led to any number of major oopsies: I swung a dead cat around my head three times at midnight. Look at this bountiful harvest. A classic blunder: Post hoc ergo propter hoc–after this, therefore because of this. Timeless examples
One of my running buddies is approaching sixty. On a recent plod, he reflected on whether or not he was happy—and whether or not he had any right not to be. “I’m a wealthy white guy of privilege,” he began. “My children are grown, successful, off the payroll. The kids
“Mother, Please! I’d rather do it myself!” suggests an as yet unmedicated home maker in an iconic 60s commercial. Mom’s transgression? Enquiring if perhaps the stew needs some salt. But, with the benefit of a half century of hindsight, this author wonders if mom’s suggestion was not the first of
Mr. Smith has been convicted of a particularly heinous crime. A jury of his peers has found the testimony against Mr. Smith to be unassailable and damning. The witnesses were unanimous regarding the evidence presented. Three nuns, the mayor, and the principal of the local high school all witnessed Mr.
My wife taught fourth grade for years. Recently, her principal asked her to teach fifth grade. “Oh honey,“ I exclaimed, “you got smarter.“ My wife gave me the “teacher look,” usually reserved for an unfortunate combination of ten-year-olds and paper airplanes. Apparently, “you got smarter” is neither novel nor endearing.
Mrs. Charles Brown filed for divorce yesterday in family court citing irreconcilable differences in her marriage of four years. “Who wants to be married to a kid who was bald all the way back in elementary school?” she asked. “And every time I needed change for the dryer, my husband
Personal injury settlements and lottery winnings are the two ways to come into piles of money all at once without having to do anything in particular other than buy a ticket or perhaps get run over by someone with good insurance coverage. Like Minerva born from the brain of Zeus,
It’s getting dark. Has the sun has been extinguished by an alien super-being who feeds on the energy of stars ending all life on this planet? Should we run shrieking in the streets knowing that there is no tomorrow? Should we hurl ourselves out of the window anticipating that in
You know that woman whose kids are endlessly pleasant? She had six children in six years, homeschooled them all even before the virus. The kids cheerfully help with dishes, chores, cleaning, yard work. They go to bed without being told, get up without being asked, do their homework, say thank
Copyright © David Altshuler 1980 – 2022 | Miami, FL • Charlotte, NC | (305) 978-8917 | [email protected]
