Safety in Silence

Disgruntled ex-lovers can now post inappropriate pictures of a previous inamorata on a number of websites designed specifically for this unpleasant purpose. In a world where a photo of your daughter in the nude or worse could be seen by anyone with a computer, it comes as no surprise that parents feel out of control. We want to protect our children. What could be more natural?

The tricky bit is that those who want to harm our children are no longer at a distance of a day’s ride into town. Stranger danger is now only a few clicks away. Like in a horror movie, the bad guys are in the house.

So, under the circumstances proper etiquette may be the least of our issues on a given day and no, using a salad fork won’t keep your children safe. Process addictions–cigarettes, oxycontin, vodka, lottery tickets, excessive video gaming, marijuana–are all readily available whether or not you accept the following gentle guidance about proper conversation. At the risk of writing an “Advice-Lite” column this week, here is some advice:

When talking about how great your children are, don’t.

I know, I know. This instruction sounds not only mild, but stupid. How did we get from the pitfalls lurking in and around our homes to an admonition not to brag about our kids. I promise I’ll connect the dots. But first tell me how you feel about comments like these:

* I just can’t seem to gain a pound. No matter what I eat, the weight just comes right off. I have a milkshake almost every night. It doesn’t matter. Celery and low calorie food? No thank you! Fried chicken with cheese cake for me. I never gain weight!

* Of course, I’ve heard about how many women have trouble with child birth–36 hours of labor, Caesarian sections, pain, prescribed narcotics, and whatnot–but for me it was just two pushes and done. I hardly felt a thing and then I held my perfect son in my arms. I just don’t see what all the fuss is about. The OB said I should stay in the hospital overnight, but I was ready to go home an hour later.

* I just don’t understand these people who have unsupportable debt or are underwater with their mortgages. They must buy 32-inch televisions and eat restaurant sushi for every meal. We bought our home years ago. Now, it’s worth ten times what we paid for it. We got a 15-year mortgage and paid it off early with some money my mother-in-law left us.

And now the most relevant to good parenting, not just polite conversation:

* My Jonny won the spelling bee again this year for the third time. He is so smart. He hardly studies and he always gets the best grades in his class.

Consider the audience. If you’re bragging about your neuro-typical son to the mother of an autism spectrum child, might she feel just the least bit disconcerted? Surely your friend wants what is best for you and clearly she shares your joy in your son’s victories and honors. She just might not want to hear about it quite so often.

Because did it ever occur to you that you might just be lucky? Sure, you read Goodnight Moon to your little one. Yes, you withstood the urge to scream at your toddler when he painted the couch. Yes, you’ve worked hard to put food on the table.

But just the same, would you consider shutting up about it?

Maybe you could just smirk quietly.

And if being a better friend isn’t reason enough to stop bragging about your daughter’s victories in the soccer playoffs, how about the benefits to your child? If you keep your mouth mostly shut…

1) Your kids will know they are loved for who they are not for what they do.

2) They will be less likely to cheat to meet your expectations

3) Your kids will know they are loved for who they are not for what they do.

4) They will feel better about themselves.

5) Your children will internalize your high expectations.

6) Your kids will know they are loved for who they are not for what they do.

As a result, your kids will be less susceptible to process addictions trying to ensnare them. Drugs and alcohol are less attractive to kids who are loved and valued for who they are.

Who would have thought that a big step in keeping our children safe is keeping our mouths shut?