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My child hit all developmental milestones-sitting up, crawling, walking, talking-significantly ahead of his peers.
My child enrolled at a competitive pre-school.
My child got all As in advanced classes at his highly-rated high school.
My child attended a college that rejects more than 90% of its applicants.
My child was admitted to a medical school that accepts fewer than one applicant in 50.
My child performed beautifully in her top medical school.
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But my child was denied the residency that we wanted for her. We have failed as parents. Where did we go wrong? The sky is falling. What was the point?
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Do you see where this madness is leading? Can you acknowledge that there is no bottom to this common rabbit hole? Just as there is no largest number, there is no level of a child’s accomplishment that will lead to contentment in this mother’s empty heart. Having 11 million dollars is better than possessing “only” ten million, I suppose. But if the focus shifts immediately to acquiring 12 million, there will be no chance of fulfillment. What is clear monetarily should make sense emotionally as well. Enough should be good enough.
Another scenario involves reveling in as many moments as possible along the path of your child’s brief, shining walk toward adulthood.
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My child was born with ten fingers and ten toes; my child didn’t develop aplastic anemia and require blood transfusions and a bone marrow transplant; my child seldom has to go to the hospital; my child and I went to the park and threw a Frisbee every Saturday afternoon from the day she turned seven until she went off to college. Even in the rain. We have some great pictures. Remember that time the Labrador puppy ran off with the Frisbee and we had to chase her all the way down to the water?
People talk about anxiety and depression as being two sides of the same coin. To me, anxiety is also the opposite of joy. Concern for the future can destroy joy in the present.
If apprehension about your child’s future translated into abilities in your child, I could overlook a soul-denying approach to child rearing. But distress in the parent is more likely to engender debilitating worry in a child. And worry seldom leads to contentment never mind accomplishment.
Some anxiety is helpful and necessary. If a child has no concerns whatever, she is unlikely to be productive at all. But too much anxiety can be debilitating. Too much worry can be as unhelpful as too little.
Here’s why lawn mower parenting seldom results in anything other than unhappy, unproductive children and fractured relationships: the kids already know they are not living up to expectations. They know very well that they aren’t measuring up, that they are not loved and validated for who they are rather than what they do.
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In 35 years of counseling families, I have never heard these words from an adolescent: “I had no idea my parents wanted me to perform well in school! Now that I am aware of their expectations, I will surely change all my imperfect study skills and achieve good grades.”
Checking homework on line is the latest in a line of unhelpful nosiness. If you suspect that your child isn’t doing his math homework, you are unquestionably correct. The fact that you have an electronic verification of all those zeros for missing assignments on the quadratic formula is hardly the point. Chances are if your child could do his homework he would do his homework. The underlying reason for non compliance is what matters: is his academic background inadequate, is the course too hard, is there something else going on in his life, is he being bullied, is he too focused on social media? The reason your child is not doing his homework is much more important than the fact of his not doing his homework.
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Imagine that while he was growing up, you had thrown a Frisbee every Saturday with your son. Rather than focusing obsessively on how he was doing in comparison to his peers, you had committed unequivocally to some non-agenda time. Would you, as a result, have the kind of relationship where you would already know how he was doing with his math homework?
