Dumb or Easy Versus Smart or Tough

My students, when telling me about classes in which they’ve done well, frequently say, “But that class was easy.” Interestingly, more young women than young men suggest that they’ve done well academically only because their classes weren’t that challenging. I don’t think these 11th grade girls are being falsely modest. I think they have internalized the message that they only do well in classes that aren’t that difficult.

Which is a losing proposition.

Because everyone has problems they can do and problems they can’t. Of the thousands of high school students whom I have helped choose and apply to college, each and every one of them knew her ABCs, for example. None of them, on the other hand, could relate the four fundamental forces of the universe–the strong and weak nuclear forces, the electromagnetic force, and gravity–into one grand unified theory. (And just so you know, Einstein himself spent the better part of 30 years trying to figure this out without success. Apparently, it’s a tough problem.)

So there you are: problems you can do–remembering that “elemeno” is four letters, not one–and problems that you can’t do–come up with a Grand Unified Field Theory.

Now, why can you do the problems that you can do and why can’t you do the problems that you can’t do? Here you have to make what’s called an “attribution.” You can either attribute your success to yourself (I did the problem, I’m smart) or to something other than yourself (I couldn’t do the problem, must have been a tough problem.)

Of course, it can go the other way too: You can attribute your failure to yourself (I can’t do the problem, I’m dumb) and your success to the problem (I did the problem, it must have been easy.)

If your daughter thinks she’s dumb, she’s more likely to give up. If she thinks the only problems she can do are the easy ones, she won’t try the more challenging ones. After all, there’s nothing she can do.

On the other hand, if your daughter believes herself to be a capable problem solver, she’ll be less likely to give up. The problems don’t matter, she’s the one who matters. Her success depends on herself, not on what the problem is.

When my kids get out of bed in the morning, I’m hoping that they don’t believe that they’re either dumb or that they’re just getting easy problems. I’d like for them to think that they’re smart and that the problems they can’t do are hard. That way they’re more likely to do their best, not give up, learn a lot.

And don’t bother just telling your kids that they’re smart. Telling kids they’re smart and capable and hard working doesn’t do anything for them. Sure telling them they’re smart is better than saying “We only had you to save the marriage,” but let’s face it: you lied about the Tooth Fairy, why wouldn’t you lie about whether or not your kids are smart? Especially when it’s clear to an impartial observer that you’re invested in whether or not they are?

How do we help our daughters believe that they’re capable? I don’t know that I have definitive answers, but we’ll kick around some ideas in a subsequent newsletter.